


Rubber Bullets

by lilgrc321



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Natasha Needs a Hug, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Needs a Hug, Tony needs a hug too, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:07:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7939201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilgrc321/pseuds/lilgrc321
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Natasha find themselves in a situation that leaves them both in an awkward space. Feeling the pressure to be together but not sure if it's for the right reasons, they keep their distance until the time is right. Just when things seem normal and they finally meet their son, Natasha can't seem to stop the dark visions that are fostered by self-loathing and the red in her ledger. Living in constant self-doubt, she doesn't feel that she deserves to be a mother. Out of everything that she's gone through in her long life, this would be the hardest by far.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Nat,"

“...Nat,”

"Nat!"

Natasha let out a snort, starting awake and falling right off the couch and onto the floor. She groaned but made no move to get up and shut her eyes again.

"Seriously Natasha?" Sam and Clint stood over her. "How can you still be so tired? It's 3 in the afternoon."

"Leave her alone, Sam." Clint swatted him away and reached down to lift her up. "Jesus, Nat, did you take something?" She glared and blinked a few times?, but it was no use. She was so drowsy that her eyes wouldn't even focus.

"Just take me to my room. Please, Clint...I just want to sleep." She begged in a quiet voice. Clint frowned

‘Maybe she’s sick.’ He thought, tucking a free strand of hair behind her ear. _‘But...no...cause Nat doesn't get sick.’_

So what was it?

"Okay we'll go." He lifted her into his arms and made his way towards the stairs. "But you need to tell me what's wrong with you, Darlin’." He whispered. Natasha didn't say anything just snuggled closer and by the time they'd reached her room she'd passed out again. Clint gently placed her in her bed and covered her up. She didn't even stir.

Things continued like that for the next eighteen weeks. It seemed like all she did was sleep. Wanda had found her passed out in the bathtub quite a few times. Sam had to help remove her from dinner most days since she would often fall asleep before she could even eat anything. Clint asked her more than once to get herself checked out but she refused. Claiming that she'd just been extremely overworked the past few years and that being in Wakanda was like an actual vacation with absolutely nothing to do nearly everyday and it was "no wonder" she was so exhausted.

She'd known from the beginning that she'd end up here with Cap’s team, surprising Steve in the middle of a stormy ocean as he geared up to break their friends out of the underwater prison. Her expertise had turned out to be just what they needed, since she had been able to delay all of the alarms and cause complete chaos by rigging every cell door to open as they made their way to the top. Wanda used her powers to get them to the jet in groups of two. Natasha had truly thought the best decision had been to comply and lie low. Let things blow over and the world would see eventually that they needed the Avengers more than they knew. But Steve was stubborn. He didn’t time to rationalize. He wanted nothing but to keep his friend safe at any and all costs and while she loved Tony, Vision and Rhodey, her heart was with Steve. Her place was here with these people.

Except she and Steve hadn't done much talking since she'd shown up. He'd thanked her many times for her help with the rescue but other than that, made no effort for normal conversation. And God forbid he find himself alone with her. If she asked him a question then he'd of course answer, but besides that, nothing.

She figured that was maybe her fault.

 _Maybe_.

She was always flirty and always sassy. Perhaps even a little crude. She was the Black Widow, for christ’s sake. But ever since Steve had come into her life, he’d made it clear that had no interest in befriending a “Master of Deception” (she kind of liked the nickname though). Captain America fought side by side with Black Widow, but Steve Rogers wanted to know Natasha Romanov.

The idea had been sweet, but she’d failed unceremoniously plenty of times since then. As soon as she’d give a little, she’d retreat into herself and whatever moment they might have been sharing would be ruined. He took it so personally every single time. It was exhausting.

And then suddenly, he was distant.

She'd been sending him mixed signals for years and it seemed that Steve had finally had enough.

But then life happened. Natasha had let her weakness take hold of her and she'd finally allowed herself to be vulnerable with Steve (at probably the worst possible time...shit happens). He'd needed someone that he could trust and he needed someone that could comfort him. So she’d decided that someone would be her. And she had no regrets.  
  


***********************

_She watched him glance at his phone before he stood up and rushed to the stairs. He'd looked so devastated that she couldn't stop herself from silently going after him. Natasha stopped and peered over the banister. Steve was there a few flights down, leaning his back against the railing. His shoulders were tense and he hung his head low, pinching the bridge of his nose and biting his lip. It didn’t even look like he was breathing, he was so still._

_"Steve..." She called out to him quietly._

_He yanked his head up to lock his gaze with hers, his eyes red and gleaming with unshed tears. Clearly uncomfortable under her scrutiny, he quickly started down the stairs to the exit as fast as he could. He didn't need anyone to see him as broken as he was.._

_"What's going on?" Tony was the first to speak. She was silent walking back into the room, feeling the panic rise within her. Everyone looked around, waiting for the other to speak up._

_"It's....Peggy Carter." Sam looked up from his phone and sighed, feeling for his friend. "She passed away." The room was silent apart from the quiet oh's coming from Natasha and Wanda._

_"Shit." Tony cursed. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned and left the room hastily._

_Natasha stood there, contemplating her next move. She pulled out her phone and asked Sam where the funeral was going to be._

_“Uh,” Sam thumbed through the message on his screen. “London. He says Peggy wanted to be buried in London.”_

_‘Alright,’ she thought. ‘London it is.’_

_That would be her first stop on the jet then. He shouldn't...couldn't be alone. She knew that. She knew that the accords had seemingly torn their team apart within a matter of minutes. And she knew that she’d blindsided him with her insistence that it might be the right decision. She wanted to assure him that he was right to place his faith in her._

_\--------------------_

_She sat in the back of the church, watching people disperse, and then, after he’d given countless hugs and offered condolences, she stood and made her way to him. She noticed him working his jaw; probably gritting his teeth. He did that when he was losing patience. Natasha’s steps faltered a bit as she briefly wondered if her being here would upset him. Until she looked at him again. He was leaning against the pew with his hands in his pockets, staring at the floor. Any timidity she may have felt about the situation vanished and she resumed her confident stride down the aisle._  
  
"When I came out of the ice," Steve began, looking up at her in acknowledgement. Huh. He’d already known she was there. "I thought that everyone I'd known was gone. When I found out that she was alive...I was just lucky to have her." He stared at the photo of Peggy. His expression was one he wore often; whenever he really got lost in his head. It was a look of pure anguish and longing. She’d seen it on herself plenty of times.

_"She had you back too." She said, smiling sadly._

_He sighed and lightly shook his head before his gaze landed on her again. Just like that, he’d gone back to being strong and sturdy Captain America, holding his head high no matter what he faced._

_"Who else signed?" This wasn’t why she came and it hurt a little bit that he obviously thought it was. But if he wanted to discuss it then they would._

_"Tony, Rhodey, Vision."_

_"Clint?"_

_"Says he's retired"_

_"Wanda?"_

_"TBD." She was silent for a moment. "I'm...off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There's plenty of room on the jet." Steve gave no answer besides the bowing of his head and another sigh. Her heels came into his line of sight as she stepped forward and he looked back up as she explained. “Just because it’s the path of least resistance, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together.”_

_Her eyes were bright and nervous as she looked at him. She wanted him to see her. Maybe he’d hear what she couldn’t say. ’Don’t pull us apart, Steve..’_

_"What are we giving up to do it?" He asked. Blazing blue eyes gazed into green; as if he was begging her to tell him what they both knew. She sighed and looked away. For a moment, she wanted to be angry with him. They'd forged an unbreakable bond in their partnership the last few years and the idea that it could all be coming to an end...well frankly it was bullshit. It threatened to break what little heart she had left. Especially in an environment like this. But...she knew Steve. He always remained true to himself and his heart. Nothing would change that._

_"I'm sorry Nat, I can't sign it."_

_"I know" She nodded._

_"Then what are you doing here?"_

_Natasha stepped forward and fixed his collar with one hand. "I didn't want you to be alone.” She’d looked and sounded so sincere. He felt truly touched as her hand moved to his neck and pulled him into her arms._

_"Come here." She said quietly. And he came without a fight, wrapping his arms around her waist. She felt him release a shaky breath. Rubbing his back with one hand, she ran her fingers through his hair with the other._

_"I'm just tired, Nat." She knew what he meant. Tired of fighting. Tired of losing people he loved. Tired of pretending it was okay. Tired of always being the strong one._

_"How can I help you, Cap?" He didn't answer. "Steve...."_

_"Just..." He started, but his voice cracked. She stepped back and hooked her arm in his._

_"Come on." She tugged him forward towards the door._

_"What? Where are we going?" He asked, confused._

_She smiled but her eyes remained forward. "Lunch." She said. "I know you haven't eaten today and we both know that's a no no for a super soldier."_

_\------------------_

_She’d had to force him to eat. That in itself was enough to really worry her. Steve was never one to turn down food, no matter the mood he was in. So she paid the check, to which he didn’t object (another red flag) and tugged him out onto the street. They strolled through Downtown London, Natasha glancing around every now and then and Steve's eyes remaining towards the ground. His mind was reeling with memories he shared with Peggy and the promises he'd made. Things he would never have the chance to do now. He just wanted it to stop. His mind was never calm. Sometimes it made him wish he’d stayed asleep._

_"Nat I-" He didn’t know what to say. She looked up to find his face reddening and his blue eyes glassy._

_"Okay. It's okay. We're both at the Four Seasons right over there. We’re almost there. Just hang on." She pulled him by his hand and moved faster. Steve was spiraling quickly and he needed privacy._

_When they got to his room, Natasha led him toward his bed and sat him down. She removed his jacket for him and turned to hang it up when she heard the long painful sobs erupt from his throat. He held his head in his hands and his body heaved as every wall he’d built came crashing down before him._

_"Oh, Steve." Natasha fell to her knees in front of him, frantically taking his head in her own hands forcing him up so he could see her. Her forehead pressed against his, she assured him repeatedly that it would be okay. She was here. They would get through this together. It took a few minutes but his breathing finally evened out and his tears stopped falling. He closed his eyes and leaned into Natasha's touch. It wasn't fair. None of it was. There was no going back. Sometimes that's all he wished for. If he could just go back..._

_"What can I do?" Natasha whispered. Steve tried to regain his composure before he looked up and realized her face was alarmingly close to his own. He opened his eyes to find hers closed, her cheeks wet from his own tears. She was here with him. He wasn't alone and she wasn't leaving him. At least not until she had to._

_She opened her eyes then, surprised to find him looking at her and still so close. Her gaze dropped to his lips and without any thought or warning she kissed him. It was soft and tender and...unexpected. Steve jerked his head back and gave her an alarmed look. But the next second, he’d visibly relaxed and dove back in for more, this time harder and faster than before. They didn't try to make sense of it, whatever it was. He just hoisted her up and shoved her up against the wall while she brought her legs around him. He kissed her hungrily as he yanked her skirt up, grunting into her mouth when his hard length rubbed against her core. Right outside of her barely-there black lace thong._

_He fumbled with his belt one-handed until she slapped his hands away to do it for him. He had a firm hold on her as she palmed him with one hand and moved her panties aside with the other. He was above average in every sense of the word, but with a little teamwork, he quickly found himself buried to the hilt._

_And_ god _it was good._

_But this wasn't about romance, or the feelings they may or may not have had for one another. It was about two people who cared deeply for one another. Who needed each other. It was about being the friend they both needed at the time._

_He drove into her as hard as he could allow himself, making her scream every time he bottomed out and hit her cervix. But the pain was so good, it just made it more intense for her. He was so much bigger than she ever thought he'd be and he was fucking her without restraint._

_"Rogers..." Natasha threw her head back as he kept thrusting into her. His only answer was a loud throaty moan as he yanked her head back so his mouth was next to her ear._

_"Oh my...Natasha" He whispered, his breath hitching with every thrust. "Jesus, Nat. You are...you...feel so...Fuck."_

_Her heart skipped a few beats; her breath was shallow and her entire body had become so tense, she was sure she’d almost come right then and there. She'd never heard the Captain say that word before. Not even in the field. And her being the reason he had was almost enough to send her over completely. She wrapped her legs around him tight, reminding herself that this was about him._

_"Take what you need." She gasped. He didn’t need to be told twice. Steve kept up his pace effortlessly. Even Natasha’s occasional cries of pain weren’t enough to pull him from his reverie. She'd be okay. She’d have to be, because he couldn't stop now. As selfish as it made him feel, he was desperate for the release._

_"I'm-" Natasha took a deep breath. "Oh My God…Steve. Right...there!" Her body trembled as she came, whispering his name until she couldn't anymore. His eyes rolled back as he felt her clench and tighten around his member but he kept going anyway. He was losing himself in her and the desperate cries that escaped her every time she exhaled. He was dizzy with want, even though he had her and he knew then it would never be enough. He put her down and turned her, his hand splaying across her back and gently coaxing her to bend over._

_"Touch your toes." He commanded. Natasha did as she was told. He ground his hips against her and moved her hair over her shoulder. He wanted to see her face before he buried himself inside her again. There were no more words just frantic breaths and the sound of skin on skin. Steve shoved a hand between her legs and brought the other down to smack her ass so hard, it left a bright red hand print in its wake. He shuddered as she cried out before he suddenly froze. He’d heard pain in her voice._

_He stepped back, breathing heavily and looked from her backside to his hand. He shook his head. "Nat..." She stood up once she’d seen the look on his face. Damn it. She should have known not to get him too worked up._

_"It's okay-" She told him, reaching for him._

_"It's not okay!" He shouted, backing away from her until he hit the foot of the bed and fell backward. She moved fast, climbing on top of him and lightly covering his mouth with her hand._

_"Steve..." She pressed her forehead against his. "I trust you.You need to trust me. I’m fine." His eyes were red and wide with emotion, but he stayed quiet, willing it all away. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Shhh moy khrabrets. You're okay. I'm not going anywhere."_

_“Natasha…” She pressed her lips against his in a soft kiss, hovering when it was over instead of pulling away. He could feel her shallow breaths against his jaw and inhaled and closed his eyes. Fisting her hair, he pulled her into a bruising kiss and was gone again. He ran his hands all over her, their bodies flushed and breath hitching. In one swift movement, he lifted her and brought her down so she was riding him. She arched her back and bit her lip, but managed to keep a slow pace this time. She wanted to ground him; to help him forget even if it were only for this moment between them._

_Steve looked down to watch where they came together and his heart raced, vision fading to black. Her name and an assortment of colorful words came tumbling from his mouth as he came. He couldn’t control the sharp jerking of his hips, so he gave up and let do what she wanted. She rode him until his head fell back, both of them sweaty and sated. Natasha fell down next to him on the bed and watched him for a reaction, but he just slid his right arm underneath her and pulled her close before closing his eyes._

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
He’d woken up alone an hour later, but he hadn't expected her to stay. What did surprise him, though, was the note left on the nightstand.

Check your voicemail  
Remember you are not alone  
See you soon

XOXO

He’d smiled for the first time in days as he listened to her apologize for an entire minute and a half; telling him she would have never left if there'd been any other choice and that she would see him as soon as she returned.

And she certainly would have if someone hadn't bombed the U.N.

Steve had called her to see if she was okay...and to tell her that he was going after Bucky, no matter the consequences. She'd tried to convince him otherwise, but he wouldn't hear it. He’d challenged her instead.

_“Are you saying you’ll arrest me?”_

And it was kind of a low blow really. Because he knew the answer to that. He knew she wouldn't stop him. Which was why she wouldn't see him again until he and Sam were taken in along with Bucky after their chase with the Black Panther in Berlin. They’d left a trail of destruction and weren't surprised when War Machine landed in between them, ordering their hands in the air. What had shocked them was the Panther’s mask removal, revealing King T’Challa himself.

 _"For the record, this is what making things worse looks like."_ Natasha had quipped when she'd finally caught sight of them.

They placed Steve in a secure office by himself at first. He’d been pacing back and forth, waiting for only about five minutes before he’d had enough and decided he was going to find everyone himself. As he reached for the door, it opened on its own and in slipped Natasha, giving him a tired, exasperated look. His eyes met hers with a hard stare. If she thought she was going to come in here and scold him, she had another thing coming.

But she couldn’t have done it even if she wanted to. For once, she felt like what she wanted was right on track with what she needed. So she decided that for a second time she would succumb to those impossibly blue eyes and broad shoulders. And once again, she didn't regret it at all. What she did regret was how things ended between the two of them.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
_"I did what I had to do Nat. I'm not sorry and I won't let them hurt him. You'd have done the same for Clint." Steve followed her as she moved towards the window. She refused to look at him, choosing to stare at the city below instead._

_"Yeah, you did it your way and now look at you. A fucking criminal! Both you and Falcon! Captain America is being accused of treason! Was it worth it, Rogers?" Her voice rose as she turned back around and stalked towards him. "What about you? What about us? what about keeping the team together? Does any of that matter? I'm willing to do whatever it takes and you-"_

  
_“Yeah you and Tony both, huh?” He snapped. He watched her eyes narrow and her nostrils flare. Damn, he needed to shut up._

_“Don't you think for one fucking second that you and your one-track-mind get to-”_

_Steve stopped her and grabbed her shoulders. Natasha stopped talking but kept her menacing glare. He looked at her, exhausted and heart broken._

_"Okay, no. I didn’t mean that. I-” He sighed. “I promise you, Nat, never in a million years did I think I'd be here. Watching Buck be taken in like that. Like a prisoner. And then I remember...who he is...what he is...what he's done..." He closed his eyes, cutting himself off. Natasha stood there. She didn't know what to say. Part of her wanted to continue her rant. But the other part...she just couldn't stand to see that look on his face._

_"I know." She murmured, looking down. "Everything's a mess and I don't know what to do anymore, Rogers. I think I've run out of ways to help you."_

_He stepped closer and lifted her chin so she could look at him. "I don't need your help, Tasha. I just need to know that we still trust each other."_

_She stared at him, for a moment, with glassy eyes before she squeezed them shut. "I trust you, Steve." She said quietly. "You know I do."_

_Steve let out a shaky breath and brought his lips down to her own. The kiss was light and tender but said everything he'd intended. That he trusted her too, with every fiber of his being. She was one of his dearest friends and he loved her. He felt so desperate in that moment. Like he had to prove to her that even though he would always do what he felt was right, it would never result in his betrayal._

_She didn't say anything when he pulled away. Just yanked him back down to her and looked into his eyes for just a second before kissing him again, this time with need and fervor._

_Thirty seconds later, he'd ended up pressing her back against the window with her legs wrapped around his waist._

_And she’d bested his time by managing to rid him of his jacket, gather up his grey tshirt and unbutton his jeans before he’d even had a chance to say anything._

_Natasha had apparently underestimated his agility, because she’d suddenly been naked from the waist down. He’d lifted her and driven himself inside her, a low chuckle escaping him when he heard her gasp in surprise. Even though she’d felt the fire in her belly as soon as she’d laid eyes on him._

_For the next nine minutes, they pretended that there wasn't the Secretary of State, Homeland Security, Tony or whoever else just a floor underneath them. He pounded into her relentlessly, whispering her name and telling her how good she felt._

_She couldn't manage to say a thing besides his name and a multitude of curse words, none of them in english._

_She felt him pulse inside her when he came and followed right after. They sagged against one another struggling to catch their breath. Steve's eyes were closed, his forehead resting against the cool window; muscles rising and falling with every breath. Though he made a quick recovery when Natasha started to quake in his arms. He pulled away slightly so he could look at her face._

_The mask she’d grown so accustomed to wearing seemed to be failing her. It was taking all of her strength to not break down right there in his arms._

_"Nat," He tried to sound calm but his voice betrayed him. He had never seen this side of her before. She was the best at maintaining her emotions and he usually had a hard time getting so much as a please or a thank you._

_Natasha brought her trembling hands to the side of his face. She ran her fingertips along his long lashes, his perfect nose and his soft pink lips. They stayed like that for a moment. Her staring at him, hot tears threatening to fall. The pained look in his eye silently asked her what was wrong but still she said nothing._

_She pushed against his chest suddenly, forcing him away from her and placed her feet back on the ground. Quickly, she wiped her face, grabbed her pants and shoved them on. She headed for the door, refusing to look back. Steve stood there for a moment before he was yanking his pants back up attempting to follow her._

_"Wait! Natasha! You can't just go." He reached for her and she spun around, giving him a cold glare._

_"We have somewhere to be, Rogers." She snapped and proceeded down the hallway to the elevators._

_Steve ground his teeth as he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. With an angry shout, he flipped the conference table that had been sitting in the middle of the room, sending all of the chairs flying._

_"Fuck!"_

_How had everything gotten so messed up?_

 

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

They hadn't spoken since, but apparently, that didn’t matter. Their loyalty to each other had remained unaffected. When Steve and Bucky came face to face with her in the hanger, she'd simply double checked that there wasn't any chance of him stopping. His answer was all she'd needed before stopping T'Challa and letting them go without question. Steve held her gaze for only a second, nodding his thanks, before they hightailed it to the jet.

After his showdown with Iron Man and escaping with Bucky, they retrieved the rest of the team and somehow ended up living in the Wakandan palace. Neither she or Steve made any kind of move to discuss what happened between the two of them and that was just fine with her. The Black Widow didn't do...whatever that had even been...to begin with. Friends were fine but she needed to remember who she was. Not the type who even deserved that life, especially with someone as amazing as Steve.

She'd thought all these things, of course, until she'd overheard Sam giving Steve shit about not calling Sharon after "the way he gave it to her in the parking lot" (Sam's words, not his). All this time she'd thought he'd been avoiding her because of what had happened between them and he was actually just canoodling with Sharon. In an instant all of that guilt and the not-being-good-enough crap had gone out the window. Captain America....or whoever the hell he was now could shove it. After successfully dodging him for a few weeks, he'd made the mistake of trying to confront her and she'd just about roundhouse-kicked him in the face.

So the days turned into weeks and the weeks had turned into months and here she was, being poked in the ear with a feather by her idiot best friend.

"Will you fuck off?" She whined, swatting the air hoping he caught a swing.

"Nattieeeee," He drew out that repulsive nickname she loathed. "What's your deal? You literally spend 85% of the day sleeping and eating. We haven't sparred in months. I'm losing my shit here. Vacation is boring."

“I swear if I didn’t know you, I’d think you were fourteen.” She croaked. "Where are Laura and the kids?" Before they'd rescue him and the others, Natasha had made arrangements for Clint's family to be transported to Wakanda so they'd be there when he arrived. He'd been so grateful, that he had cried on her shoulder. Which they had agreed to never mention. Ever.

She really needed to get back to her nap.

"She took them to the market. It's too hot out there. Almost died yesterday playing catch with Cooper- wait..." Natasha pried one eye open and looked at her friend.

"What?"

"You're sleeping...and eating...all the time." Clint was speaking slowly and it was annoying the hell out of her for some reason.

"Get to it, Barton." She growled. He reached out and poked her softly in her right breast. "Ow! Oh my god what the-"

"Natasha," Clint's eyes went wide.

" _What_ Barton?" She was literally two seconds from punching him in the kidney.

"Are you...pregnant?" He whispered the last word, even though it was only the two of them in the room.

"Are you kidding?" Both her eyes shot open and she just stared at him. He couldn't be serious.

"I mean, I’ve seen it all before. I do have three kids."

"You know I can't." She snapped. "And you have to have sex to get pregnant anyway. Not to mention a healthy reproductive system."

"But you did have sex." Clint smirked, folding his arms across his chest. "With a super soldier. Maybe his little soldiers are super too." He was grinning now.

“Stupid.” She mumbled, glaring and instantly regretting ever telling him about what happened between her and Steve. She turned into the couch so she couldn't see him anymore, but her eyes stayed open. She hadn't thought of that. There'd been no nausea or using the bathroom frequently or any of the things that had popped up during her Google search. She'd chalked up her missing periods to whatever the hell was even going on with her body these days. As far as being pregnant? Well, last time she checked, sterilized meant sterilized so that thought never entered Natasha's mind any time she'd had a sexual encounter.

_  
‘...little super soldiers...’_

"...you need to get checked out." Clint ran his fingers through her hair. She had tensed up and he hadn't been trying to upset her. "It's probably not that. Maybe you're not drinking enough water or something. You know with the heat and all."

She groaned. "Really? You're not going to let this go are you?"

He grinned. "Nope, I'll walk you." He grabbed her and gently swung her over his shoulder, smacking her bottom. She yelped in surprise and started punching him in the back, screaming to be let down.

"Better stop it, Nat or you'll make me drop you." He quipped.

"Fuck you, Barton!" She yelled.

"Language, Natasha!" Clint practically sang. That was it. She was never speaking to him again after this.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Steve eyes skimmed over Bucky's charts, before he sighed and flipped them shut. He'd spent a few minutes every day in the medical ward where his friend remained frozen. Sometimes the minutes turned to hours if he really needed to get something off his chest. Letting Bucky go for a second time had been hard, but he respected him too much to argue with his choice. At least he knew where he was this time.

He could still hear Peggy's voice even after all this time.

_"Tell me," She sat down and smoothed out her skirt. "Did you truly like your friend? Did you respect him?"  
_

_  
"Yes!" The question had taken him by surprise._

_  
"Well then, stop blaming yourself!" She told him sternly. "Give your friend the respect of making his own decisions."_

He’d done just that, but it definitely didn’t make it any easier. He felt more alone now than he ever had before. Even though he was surrounded by people he loved every day and Buck was right here where he could see him anytime he wanted, none of it fixed the ache in his chest.

Steve almost couldn't stand having Natasha here at this point, her perfect everything practically smacking him in the face every time they were in a room together. She'd hadn't spoken to him much beyond their arrival and he'd stupidly assumed that the reason for her behavior was that they’d been intimate. And like an idiot, he'd brought it up to her. Never had Steve feared a woman more in his life than he did that day.

 

\-----------------------------

 

_"Nat! Wait up!" Steve jogged to catch up with the redhead, who looked absolutely miserable._

_"Steven." She mumbled, not even sparing him a glance. She was dressed in a sports bra and spandex shorts. Despite her lack of clothing, she was sweating like crazy._

_"What's with you?" He asked. He had been trying to get her alone for weeks, but she was clearly going to great lengths to make herself scarce._

_She eyed him warily. "I'm hot and I'm tired. What do you need, Rogers?"_

_"Well I was wondering...I wanted to...maybe...talk about us." Steve said the last part of the sentence as more of a question._

_"Us?" Natasha's irritated expression turned into a devious smile. "Sure. Where shall we start? You sucking face with Sharon Carter?"_

_Steve froze, his mouth hanging open. Honestly, he had no idea she'd even known about that. He didn't even really know why he'd done it. Sharon was such a nice person and had been incredibly helpful when they'd had no one else and Steve felt he'd owed her something, anything. He'd kissed Sharon in the moment, not really thinking much of it afterward. But with Natasha bringing it up, he couldn't stop the guilt. Guilt for not even considering what that kiss would mean to Sharon and guilt for basically hiding that he'd done it in the first place. Sam would pay for opening that damn mouth of his._

_He didn't say any of that though. Instead, like many have done when they feel backed into a corner, he'd tried to turn it around on her._

_"Well I'm not in a relationship, am I?" Straight into defensive mode. "So I don't owe anyone any explanations. Kind of like how you left things back in Germany." He knew that was bullshit and, really, a low blow. Maybe they weren't exclusive. Maybe she didn't necessarily have the right to be jealous. But if he had been the one to find her with her tongue down someone else's throat, they both knew that someone else would have found themselves tossed into a wall...or two._

_Natasha's eyes went dark and her "smile" fell. She stepped towards him, so close the tips of their noses were touching._

_"Will that be all, Sir?" She snarls. He picks up her heart rate with his super sensitive hearing and actually backs away from her, his hands in the air like he's trying to surrender._

_"I-I shouldn't have- I don't know what I was-"_

_"Save it, Rogers. You're right. You're not in a relationship and you don't owe anyone an explanation." Natasha was screaming in his face at this point. Poking him in the chest every time her voice went up an octave. "You’re wasting my_ goddamn _time with this bullshit! I’m fucking exhausted and I’m hot as shit and this is the last_ fucking _thing I need to deal with!"_

_Steve had backed up against the wall by the time she'd stopped yelling. He was blinking rapidly like a fool with his mouth hanging open and if looks could kill, he'd have died about nine times already. Not that he’d broken the dam and there would be no stopping her. She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to say something else that was likely going to be just as loud when Clint dropped literally out of nowhere and gently placed his hand over her mouth._

_"Come on, Tasha. No killing the Cap today." Clint tugged on her arm lightly to follow him up the stairs. Steve's eyes followed them, but he didn’t dare move or speak until they had left the room._

\--------------------------------

 

Despite fearing for his life, Steve had at least walked away with a clear understanding of why she’d been avoiding him. He'd messed up, plain and simple, and there didn't look like there was a thing he could do about it. And maybe it would be easier to just leave her alone, but Steve had never been one for easy. He felt consumed by how much he wanted her. It seemed like every time he saw her, her hair was shining, framing her bright, beautiful face and he could swear her skin just about shimmered in the sunlight. Yeah...he had it bad. But besides his physical longing, more than anything, he just missed having her there. Steve missed his friend and he wanted her back.

Four months had been long enough. Of course the Black Widow probably could have gone forever, but he had a feeling that _Natasha_ might be willing to let him set things right. He strode down the hall with purpose, nodding at everyone he passed but kept his gaze head on. He heard their voices about three feet from the elevator and he stopped on instinct, turning his head to listen.

"I'm sorry, that's impossible." Natasha spoke sharply. "There's just no way. I was...I can't have children."

"I hear everything you are saying, Ms. Romanoff, but I can only tell you what my labs and your ultrasounds are confirming! The scans say that you are twenty one weeks along and your HCG levels pair with that gestation perfectly. He's a little small, but he's healthy." The doctor sounded frustrated, as if it wasn't the first time she'd said that information.

"But that's over half way...I don't look any different! I would have known! I'd know now! Wouldn't I? I..." Natasha couldn’t breathe. She needed to get out of there. "I don't. I can't. _I can't. Oh my-_ "

"Every woman carries differently, Ms. Romanoff. Some don't even show until- Ms. Romanoff? _Ms. Romanoff!_ "

"Natasha! Nat, breathe!" Clint was yelling at her. The doctor was yelling something in the background. Steve couldn't hear them anymore. Things weren’t adding up for him at the moment. Because he couldn’t have heard what he thought he did. There was no way....was there?

...Had the doctor said _he_?

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

  
They ended up having to sedate her until later that night. She'd had a complete meltdown, yelling and screaming to be left alone; knocking over machines, tearing the cords away. Steve had finally come running in trying to help. He held her close, trying his best to stop her sobbing while the doctor prepared the sedative. Clint stared helplessly as Steve kept on whispering in her ear before she passed out.

"What the hell was that?" Steve asked quietly. The two men sat at Natasha's bedside watching over her while she slept. Clint sighed, keeping his eyes on the window overlooking the jungle.

"The first few years were the hardest.” He said. “You know, when we brought her in to S.H.I.E.L.D. She had nightmares so bad that she’d go days without sleep. If you tried to wake her, she’d try to kill you. Almost killed a few agents because she couldn't control her mental state while sparring. She popped pills for a bit, even got a little suicidal for a minute there. So really when I say rough I mean more like absolutely fucked up."

Steve stared at Clint with wide eyes. He had heard very little of Natasha's defection and since he trusted her he had never gone digging. He knew that she'd undergone various forms of torture in the Red Room but he never pried. It was a dead end. She didn't respond to that anyway. Natasha spoke only when she was ready and if it was personal, she was rarely ever ready.

"Yeah it got ugly. I can't tell you how many times I had to convince myself I didn’t make the wrong decision." Clint continued. "But she made progress. She opened up to me and we started to trust each other. She started sleeping through the night; quit the destructive shit and her depression lifted. Made friends, tried harder not to kill on missions. Things were good and they've _been_ good. Her regressing like this...over something that really isn’t so bad once you think about it. I don't know, Steve. This could be bad. Real bad."

Steve didn't say anything for a moment, just watched Natasha's chest rise and fall. She looked so peaceful lying there. His eyes traveled to her stomach.

"Nat has us Clint." He said. "We're her family. We won't let her fall. If she does, he does too." He nodded towards her mid section. "And I can’t have that. You know I would die for them both. I don’t doubt you would too."

But saying these things didn’t calm him at all and he felt the panic rising in his chest. Like Natasha, he'd made peace long ago that he would probably never have the whole marriage and children deal. Things had been chaotic, to say the least, since he'd been freed from the ice and he'd realized that the world would always need protection. It was his duty to offer what he could and he couldn't do that if he had someone waiting up for him.

But...now he did.

A _baby._

A little boy who was currently inside of a woman he hadn't spoken to in months because he'd had his head up his ass.

'Sort of explains that lethal temper of hers though.' He thought. ‘And all that sleeping.’

He had no idea how to be a father. He’d been blessed with an amazing mother no doubt, but his father had died when he was a baby. Bucky was the closest thing he’d had to a male role model growing up and he wasn’t available at the moment. What if the baby was sick like he was before the serum? How could he watch his boy suffer while he’s as healthy as an ox for the rest of his days? Not to mention his son dying before him. Oh God.

"Cap," Clint shook his shoulder. "Steve! You okay? You were completely out of it."

"Yeah...yeah I'm fine.” He said, breathing deep. “Listen, I'm sure Laura and the kids are back by now. I can stay here with her. I'll let you know if anything changes." Steve gave him a weak smile, but Clint didn’t look convinced.

"Well that's...nice...but when she wakes up she'll probably still be really upset. Are you sure you can stay calm for her? I know you have a lot on your plate too, but she needs nothing but support. Especially for the baby."

"I would never intentionally upset her, Clint. She...and the baby...are my first priority. I'll be cool when she wakes up. I promise." Steve held his friend's gaze until Clint gave a curt nod.

"Alright then. You text me as soon as she wakes up, Rogers." He stood up and made his way to the door.

"You got it, Barton."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Natasha slowly opened her eyes. She could only hear the beeping of the machines and the...what was that?

A rapid beating sound could be heard throughout the room.

"What..." She croaked. Her voice sounded horrible. She was so thirsty.

"Here." Steve said gently as he handed her a glass of water. She drank like her life depended on it. When she was finally done, she laid her head back down.

"What is that?" She asked.

"That uh...." Steve gulped. She would either flip out or lay there. Honestly, he wasn't prepared for either outcome. "That's the...baby. It's his um...his heart."

She winced and looked up at the ceiling. Tears threatened to fall but she bit her lip in determination, refusing to cry. Steve's eyes darted between her and the flowers at her bedside. She seemed so lost and afraid and he had no idea what to do with this version of her. His Natasha handled everything with her head held high, never showing an ounce of fear.

"It isn't fair." Her voice is trembling along with the rest of her body.

"What isn't fair, Nat?" He was asking to be polite but he had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"This. All of this." She limply gestured around the room with her left arm and placed her right over her stomach. "There's never a fucking choice. With any of it. We go through some of the most terrible, awful, craziest, magical _bullshit_ and it's enough to make you wanna blow your _fucking_ brains out."

Steve stared at her, visibly concerned, his lips forming an impossibly straight line. That kind of kind of talk never sat well with him, no matter who it was coming from. He wouldn’t have it; not from her. "Natasha..."

She held up her hand to stop him. "Steve, I'm sorry. I admire you and your desire to do the right thing and rise to whichever occasion that might present itself to you. But some of us have had enough." Tears were streaming down her face. "I am a trained _killer_ and I have been for my entire life. The Red Room did terrible things to me and I did terrible things to others. I’m built to take life, not to give it. Yet here I am. Here _we_ are. And I just... _can't_." A sob escaped her lips as her hand shot up to cover her mouth.

Steve would have loved to tell her that she wasn’t alone; that he too felt completely out of sorts with the situation. He wanted to tell her that he was scared, but that he promised to be strong for her. Instead, he squared his shoulders and looked her in the eye.

"No one knows why things end up the way they do. But we can't change anything about the situation now."

"So you say..." She looked away from him.

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

"Why don't I get a choice? Why do I have to do this? There's never a choice."

Steve narrowed his eyes. She couldn't actually mean...

"This wasn't supposed to ever be my life. And I can't say I want it to be. I can't be a mother."

"Well...sorry to break it to you, Nat, but you're going to be." He said firmly, his eyes were dark and serious. She stared at him incredulously.

"You're judging me."

"Well _jesus_ , Nat, he's over halfway cooked! You can't talk like that!" Steve exclaimed. She could tell by the look on his face that she'd actually frightened him.

"No one said anything about hurting it...him. I don't think I'm up for anymore conversation. I'd like to sleep now. Please leave." She turned on her side away from him. He paused for a moment before silently walking out of the room.

He pulled out his phone, remembering to text Barton that Natasha was awake. His mind was working overtime asking question after question. Would he have to raise his baby in Wakanda since he was a wanted fugitive? How would they raise a baby in their situation? Would he have to raise the baby alone? How was he going to help Natasha? How were they going to do this together? Were they going to do it together?

And what would his Mother or Bucky say? Oh Lord, she would have slapped him six ways from Sunday, getting a girl (who also wasn't Catholic) pregnant before marriage. Before love, even! Bucky...well he'd probably give him a pat on the back for landing a beautiful dame like Natasha, then a firm squeeze on his shoulder and a warning about how he better do right by her and his boy.

His boy.

  
_Theirs_.

After Natasha had been sedated, he’d stood there staring at the ultrasound projection at the end of the room. It was a strange grainy video of what looked like a baby swimming around, sucking its thumb and kicking its little legs. After asking if he was the father, to which he dumbly nodded, the doctor explained to him how far along the baby was, Natasha's due date and even gave him an example of how big he was.

"He is about as long as a large carrot right now," She'd held her hands up to give him an example of the length. "But don't worry, he'll spend the next few months packing on plenty of weight. He can hear you when you speak. He can even taste the flavors of some food that his mother eats!"

 _That_ had sure thrown him for a loop. He'd seen tons of new technology in the passed 5 years, but had never been to a pregnant woman's doctor appointment from this time. It was incredible how far the world had come. He sighed in frustration. He wanted to be ecstatic, but there were so many messed up things about this damn situation and he was terrified.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Natasha sat up in her hospital bed, yanking the straps off of her waist. The heart-beat that had been echoing throughout the room came to a stop. She sighed in relief. The sound had her mind reeling and she felt like she was going insane. She was pregnant, she kept having to tell herself.

_Five months pregnant._

_With a baby._

Steve's _baby._

_And it was a boy._

She looked down at her stomach, still so confused as to how such a big baby was even in there with no sign of him on the outside.

The last two hours had been a blur. She'd felt bad for treating Steve the way she had, but she meant what she said. She didn’t want to feel obligated to have a child just because she _could_. She deserved the choice to be (or not be) a mother just like anyone else. There'd barely been any decision making for her at any point in her life and now here she was again. Natasha didn't know the first thing about being a parent. She just knew she couldn’t be who she was and care for a tiny, helpless person. There wasn't a place for it. It was the reason the Red Room had taken the ability away in the first place.

 _'What am I doing?'_ She thought, pressing her palms to her eyes until she was seeing colors and spots.

"Natasha," Clint stood in the doorway, sweat pants draped over his shoulder and quickly realizing that she'd freed herself from the machines. "What the hell were you about to do? Break out of here? Where's Rogers?"

She didn't look at him or say anything, just tugged on the sweats on and threw her long hair in a ponytail.

"...What happened? What did you do?" Clint eyed her carefully.

"What do you mean me?!" His stony expression remained except for his eye brow raising in question. Natasha stared at him, the anger in her face quickly turning to shame. Her shoulders slumped in defeat. Clint conceded then, coming over and pulling her into his arms.

"I-I scared him. I told him I deserved the choice to be a mother. He said we couldn't do a thing to change the outcome but..." Natasha couldn't bring herself to say the rest.

"But what? What the hell are you talking about Natasha?" Clint backed away from her. "Are you trying to drive yourself insane? Why would you even fucking go there with him? Thats cruel as hell making him think you'd actually do something like that, Nat."

She remained silent.

"Look, you know I'm in your corner. I always will be, babe. But now, I'm in that little guys corner too. And I am not going to watch you spiral again. You need to talk to Steve and you're going to see a therapist for rest of this shit or so help me, Natalia, I will tell them you're a danger to yourself and the baby and have you put on lock down."

"Excuse me? Who the hell do you think you-"

"I am your partner! I am your friend and I won't let you destroy yourself because of fear! I wouldn't before and I won't do it now." Clint's voice was sharp, his eyes wide with compassion. She stared back at him for a moment before bursting into tears. Clint blinked back his surprise. He hadn't seen Natasha cry in years and he'd never seen her do it hysterically.

"I know." Her voice almost sounded squeaky. "I'm so sorry. I'm- What the fuck am I doing? I can't do this! I won't be any good as mother. I'm not-" He yanked her into his arms and she didn’t fight him, burying her face in his shoulder. "I'm not worthy of this, Clint. I’m just not." She whispered.

"Nat..." She and Clint spun around to find Steve in the doorway with a basket full of food in his hands. Looking from his hands to his face and back again, she bowed her head and went to him. He set the food down quickly and gathered her in his arms. Clint almost laughed at the alarmed look on Steve’s face.

"Ah hormones. I'll just leave you guys to it then." He shoved his hands in his pockets and strolled out of the room. "We're not done, Nat!" He called over his shoulder.

"Shhh, it's okay. It'll be okay, Nat. I promise." He gave her a few minutes to catch her breath before moving back just a little so he could see her. She knew her face was red and puffy and she quickly looked away in embarrassment. He gently grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him.

"I don't know what to say to change your mind when it comes to how you see yourself. Hell, you don't even want to know what I think of me. But I can tell you that I'm here. That I don't think there is anyone more deserving of a miracle than you. You're so strong for everyone all the time, Natasha. I need you to be strong for you." She looked down, her gaze following his left hand as he slowly brought it up to her abdomen. "For the both of you. And you have me. I'm here and I will never leave you. I care about you...you have no idea how much. I know there's so many other things we have to figure out, but we have time. He won't be here tomorrow or any day soon. We can adjust if we try. We can do it together. I just need you to know that as long as I'm breathing, you will never be alone."

Natasha couldn't think of a single thing to say to him, only stare. He was the exact definition of too-good-to-be-true. Too good for this world and maybe even the next. Constantly putting everyone else before himself. Putting her before himself numerous times when she was the last person that deserved it. She was no good for him, she knew. Yet here she was, his arms around her and his child in her belly. It was surreal. But for right now, she wouldn't question it. She needed to try and enjoy the moment.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Things seemed to settle down during the next few weeks. Natasha was still suffering from nightmares and her share of panic attacks, but they'd began to lessen as Steve spent what seemed like every second of his free time constantly checking on her and asking if she needed anything. She'd grown agitated on more than one occasion at all the attention but didn't dare say anything to make him feel bad. And if her temper got the better of her and she did say something, she tried hard to apologize. Despite her feelings on the situation, she knew she needed be grateful; for having such a great person in her life and for such a great parent for their child.

Neither Natasha or Steve made any kind of announcement about them expecting. But that hadn't stopped Clint from telling Laura. Which had led to Laura mentioning it to Wanda during their weekly trip to the market. Wanda accidentally ended up telling Sam when he'd been teasing Steve for always bending to Nat's every whim, no matter how ridiculous, and he was actually pretty upset that Steve hadn't shared the news with him as soon as he'd found out.

"How could you not tell me something like this? After everything? If it were me, you'd have been the first one I told!" Sam folded his arms over his chest and turned away, clearly hurt.

"I'm sorry, Sam!" Steve reached his arms out to Sam as if to grab his shoulders, but held out at the last moment. "It's just been an adjustment for everyone and Nat really didn't want anyone fussing over it or anything and-"

"What's this? A lover's quarrel?" Clint grinned at the exchange with amusement while Natasha sat next to him rolling her eyes. She had Wanda's hands in hers, helping her feel around for the little person moving around inside her middle. Her belly had literally made its appearance overnight. One day her stomach's in its usual shape, flat as a board, and the next... It made her think of Steve when he slept, the way her belly had just kind of "popped" out. He was always sprawled out on his back, his limbs going every which way. She was still small but it was definitely bigger than she thought it would be. Then again, most women don't find out in the middle of their second trimester.

Steve had taken to singing to him lately. And even though she really didn't like all of the contact that came with growing a baby, she would always let him touch if he wanted. Whenever he caught her sitting or lying down he would join her and sing his 1920s era nursery rhymes with his hands on her stomach, waiting for him to move. The baby never disappointed. Really, anytime Steve was near, Natasha would end up irritated from the constant movement.

But maybe it _was_ also a little bit fascinating.

"He is a busy little guy, Natasha." Wanda smiled as she felt a bump against her hand. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, focusing on the little person underneath her fingers. Wanda wasn't even sure if babies in utero had thoughts to read but couldn't help trying...just to see.

"He's just happy to see you." Steve was beaming. "He knows a pretty girl when he hears one." Natasha rolled her eyes again. Wanda let out a surprised laugh.

"What?" Natasha raised an eyebrow at the young girl.

"He...he really loves the sound of Steve's voice. He likes yours too of course, Nat, but Steve..." Wanda smiled at them, the both of them blushing, as she stood up and stretched. "Well I'm heading up. See you guys in the morning."

"Goodnight, Wanda." Steve said quietly. Natasha looked at him. He was touched, it was clear. But she was speechless, dark thoughts slamming into her skull one by one.

' _You don't deserve him.'_

_'You won't be enough for him.'_

_'He won't ever be safe with you.'_

_'They'll find him one day and they'll kill him.'_

She slowly stood up and mumbled a goodnight to Steve. He looked at her like wanted to tell her something but said nothing as she walked away. He'd asked her to come to bed with him, just to sleep, many times already so he could be there when she fell apart but she wouldn't allow it. They were friends and nothing more. She was still Natasha Romanoff; still the Black Widow. This baby would not change that.

_'Nothing ever would.'_

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Being pregnant is no laughing matter.

And Steve was learning that the hard way.

In the few months since they found out, he'd noticed a vulnerability in her that he hadn't seen before. She was so much more forthcoming with her emotions and it was nice... _normal_. Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes they'd stay awake until the wee hours of the morning, binge watching movies like Harry Potter or Star Wars. He always got a kick out of Coming to America, a movie they'd watched numerous times back home. A much lighter and more numerous approach to being so out of place when you're somewhere new.

They'd go for long walks through the palace gardens, usually ending up flat on their backs in the grass when it wasn't too hot. There were never many clouds, just a clear blue sky, but they'd swap stories and share laughs. He'd reach for her hand occasionally and she wouldn't pull away. She could be just as sweet as she was lethal if she wanted to.

But the serum running through her veins and all the training in the world didn't change the fact that she was not only a _woman_ , but very _pregnant_ too. And he was learning that there were just certain things you either did (without question) or didn't do (At all... _whatsoever_ ) when it came to very pregnant women.

\------------------------------------------

_"Steve?" It was close to midnight when she came into his room and sat perched on the edge of his bed. He'd been about five minutes away from falling asleep for the night, exhausted after his shift assisting the patrol of the Wakandan grounds._

_"Nat?" He yawned, cracking one eye open. "What's wrong? You ok?"_

_She looked up at the ceiling and back down at him before answering a quiet "Um...yes."_

_He opened his other eye and looked at her. And good _lord_ she was beautiful. She was always _so_ beautiful. Her hair was a wavy mess, tumbling down all the way past her breasts. When had it gotten so long? He also noticed she was dressed in the dark green traditional robe she'd been gifted by King T'Challa himself. Embroidered in a metallic gold fabric, the elegant garment snapped closed right underneath her chest and flowed flawlessly over the small swell of her belly, the long train cascading behind her as she walked. That red hair, those eyes and her fair skin against the emerald color were always too much for Steve. Honestly, he did nothing but stare whenever she wore it._

_She was sitting there just watching him with her big, innocent eyes and...yeah, she was definitely after something._

_And he thought for a second that maybe, just maybe, she was here for...._

_"Well," Natasha drew out the word, suddenly feeling very awkward._

_"Yes?"_

_"It's just that...earlier after dinner, I really wanted some ice cream."_

_Wait...is she seriously..._

_"And they didn't have any in the kitchen. And I remember you telling me that your mother used to make you that easy homemade ice cream when you were sick and I was just wondering..." She trailed off and looked the other way. Never had she been more grateful for dim lighting; her cheeks were growing hotter with every second. What was she even doing here? Why could've at least tried to do it herself, right?_

_Sure but...._

_She was as big as a house._

_And her feet were killing her._

_Also, she just flat out didn't want to._

_And isn't that what partners were for, especially when one of them was with child? Any other time she'd strive for her independence, but this was a serious matter._

_"Nat..." Steve groaned, covering his eyes again with his arm. "I'm beat. Can't this wait til morning?" She had been driving him crazy lately, but he had to admit he was touched at her remembering the memory he'd shared._

_"Too beat for ice cream?" She ignored that last question._

_He wrinkled his nose in frustration. "Yes."_

_"Please?"_

_He stiffened, a scowl forming on his face, his eyes still hidden. "You want me to put on pants and walk all the way downstairs with you to make ice cream in a bag?"_

_She blinked at him and gently placed her hand on her belly. "Bug really wants ice cream."_

_"Bug?" Damn, she'd gotten him again! He couldn't stop his heart from swelling at the news of her giving their baby a nickname._

_"Ugh, pants, Nat!" She knew the signs. Removing his clothes meant that he was officially done for the day. But while the Black Widow was never one to beg, pregnant Natasha was a certainly not above it._

_"Please?" She was also apparently not above using an unfair advantage. "And you don't even have to wear pants. If you don't want to, I mean."_

_That got his attention. He moved his arm away and stared at her for a second before scowling even harder. She just sat there quiet and blinking occasionally until Steve blew a heavy sigh and rolled out of bed. Her lack of movement and the pulling of the baby card told him there wasn't much choice in the matter. She stood up quickly, clearly excited about getting her way and smoothed out her robe. He rolled his eyes at that._

_"Hey," Natasha frowned. "I thought you said no pants?"_

_He smirked and barely pulled his pajama pants over his boxers, tying them loosely so they hung low. "Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" He grinned at her before leaving the room, flexing his shoulders as he strutted away. She glared after him but followed. Ice cream was the main objective._

_Ice cream dripping all over his..._

_..._

_Okay, no. Just the ice cream._

_It only took him about ten minutes before he set the bowl down in front of her, her eyes were literally shining with excitement. He still had pants on, but she'd been lucky enough to be able to enjoy watching him prepare it shirtless. Steve, the little shit that he was, had enjoyed every second of that. He would force his muscles to bulge anytime he moved even though he wasn't doing a damn thing that required the use of his strength._

_Natasha held a spoonful to his mouth and he took it, his face sporting a thoughtful look. He still remembered the times his mother would make this for him during hot days when the ingredients were available. That was the only positive thing about being asleep for so long. His memories weren't that far away. Steve's attention was brought back to the red head currently sweeping her index finger along the corner of his mouth and brought it back to hers. She sucked on it gently before popping it out of her mouth_

_"You um...had a little something." She gave a small smile and slightly raised her brows. He shuddered in return and looked at her through hooded eyes._

_"Yeah...thanks." She watched him, chin up high and eyes locked, as he made his way around the counter. There hadn't been even a little bit of hesitation when he kissed her softly at first and then a little harder the second time. He lingered there for just a moment before stepping back from her, telling her goodnight and heading back to his room._

_Natasha sighed before turning back to her ice cream, suddenly craving something hot instead of cold._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
Okay so that incident had sort of worked in his favor. He should have just thrown her over his shoulder and taken her upstairs, but she had developed a knack for being all over the place when it came to her emotions. He'd read that was normal too though. Knowing that didn't make it any easier. Dealing with her was a gamble; didn't matter the situation. 

No one could predict how she'd feel about anything. Least of all her

He'd spent all those years observing her and learning; always having to decipher her feelings since she was never one to shown much emotion.

And now, she was liable to go completely bonkers over anything. Like last week, when he'd held the door open for her and received an earful about how she was completely capable and being pregnant didn't make her an invalid and _bla bla bla_. To be fair, she'd been in pain that day and moving slower than usual. She was probably frustrated with herself more than she was him.

Lucky for Natasha, her baby had a very perceptive father and he didn't take any of it personally.

And a best friend who'd provided said father with a list. Clint had said every man needed "the guidelines". So far, he hadn't been wrong. It was a survival list, really. One that he kept tucked away in his wallet. 

  
**_-Give her attention (even if she says not to)_**  
**_-Do not google. If you do, don't share._**  
**_-Anxiety is normal. Let her be._**  
**_-Always be empathetic. You will never understand anything_**  
**_-Let her do what she wants (unless dangerous)_**  
**_-Nesting (see above)_**  
**_- Give her what she wants (unless dangerous)_**  
**_- If you feel like it's a bad idea, it is. Do not chance it. Do not say it. Do not do it. Do. Not._**  


Steve was already pretty great at most of those things. He loved to give her attention, patience and empathy was his specialty. Plus, _no one_ stood in Natasha's way, pregnant or not, so that wasn't a problem either. It was that last one. Even though it was _underlined_...and circled...it seemed to be the one he failed at the most. All the trying in the world be damned, he was constantly landing himself in hot water. Then again, he'd basically been that way with everything his entire life. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
"STEVE!!!" Yelled Natasha as she stared at the empty fridge where she'd placed the last half of her specially requested pizza she'd talked the chef into making. She had to provide her own recipe but in the end it had come out exactly how she'd wanted: feta cheese, sun dried tomatoes and artichokes. Steve had wanted no part of it once he'd found out what she put on it. That had been her plan from the beginning. The guy could inhale a pizza in one bite if he really wanted to and she didn't want share._

_What? She already had to share her body! Could she not just have this?_

_But the pizza wasn't there. Natasha frantically tossed items around the fridge, a feeling similar to actual panic building up as she yelled Steve's name. Not ten seconds later she heard him barreling down the hallway before bursting into the kitchen, Sam right behind him._

_"What's wrong? Are you okay? Is it the baby?" He looked her up and down to assess any possible damage, but she looked fine....until he paid attention to her face. Her face was almost as red as her hair; her fists clenched tightly at her side. Oh she was angry. Livid, in fact. And Steve? He was terrified._

_"Whoa," Sam held up his hands and began walking backwards towards the door. "It, uh, looks likes everything's okay...in here...I mean...you know...I...alright I'll catch you later, Steve!" He ran._

_"Coward," Steve grumbled. Sighing, he held his hands up too and braced himself for whatever was coming. "What-uh." He cleared his throat as his voice cracked._

_"Did you...Did you eat my pizza?" She noticed his expression slacken for just a second, doubting the seriousness of the situation. He noticed her noticing him and righted himself immediately._

_"Um," He looked up at the ceiling while bringing up one of his hands to the back of his neck. She wasn't in the mood._

_"Steve! WHAT THE F-" The string of profanities coming out of her mouth would have given his mother a heart attack. Natasha was getting more worked up with every word. Asking him why he had to eat the one thing in the fridge with her name on it. Cursing his super soldier appetite. And finally, on the brink of tears, started going on about how Bug was making her fat and that she just wants to eat her fucking pizza because she'd been looking forward to it all day and..._

_Steve couldn't take it anymore._

_"Oh, Nat, I'm sorry." He put on his best sad face and moved to hug her._

_"No. No! I don't. Want. A hug." She slapped his hands away. "Don't you patronize me, Steven!" He rolled his eyes as she turned away. This was his life right now. Quickly, before she noticed, Steve came up behind her and wrapped his giant arms around her shoulders._

_"I'm so sorry, Natasha." He breathed into her hair. "I shouldn't have done that. I should be more considerate of you and Bug. I'll have them make you another one." He held her tight for a few minutes before she finally started relaxing in his arms. She was letting him touch her like this more and more and he loved it. His hands moved down to her belly and he rubbed it as she leaned her head back against his chest._

_"Aw, you two made up. That's great." Sam said from the doorway. "Don't mind me. Just making sure Cap's not dead. By the way, I finished the last of that pizza. Way better than I thought it would be. I'm a pepperoni kind of guy."_

_And just like that, their moment was broken. Steve stiffened at his friends words. "God _damnit_ Sam!" He hissed. And in the blink of an eye, he'd hopped over the kitchen island booking it for the door as he heard Natasha cry out in rage. "Go! Go! Go!" He grabbed Sam's shoulder as they tumbled head first through the swinging double doors. Steve heard a sharp *shing* and he looked up to see the pointed end of a large kitchen knife embedded in the door. He scrambled to his feet and took off, Sam in tow. He'd have to just catch her later._

_Freaking Sam and his mouth._

\----------------

  
That night, Steve added one more to his list:  
**_Never touch her food without asking._**  
And then, he gave Sam a copy.  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

She decided at least once every day that she didn't like Clint anymore, since he poked at her and got under her skin every chance he got. And when she would finally start yelling or throwing things or attempting to come after him, he'd quickly dodge her, giggling like a school girl. Steve would always frown if he was present and scold Barton to "leave her alone because she's _fragile_ ". (Ugh. What even was that word? She'd hated it too.) She'd snap at Steve that she could take care of herself and Barton would always be in the background telling her to be nice (even though he'd be the one fucking with her in the first place). After a few days of that though, he would always come around to apologize. Usually with something sweet. And because Bug was a treacherous traitor, she couldn't seem to ever stay mad at him.

Besides, she frequently reminded him that she wasn't going to be pregnant forever. Once this baby was out, he was getting his ass kicked.

"Uncle Steve! Watch this one!" Lila squealed as she did another series of front flips and threw her arms in the air, signaling the end of her trick. Steve's mouth dropped open feigning surprise. It was a nice day, not too hot and only a few clouds in the sky, so Laura suggested spending time outside with the kids. Clint had of course complained, but Steve had been more than eager. He wasn't one to waste a beautiful day. Sleeping for 70 years will do that to a guy.

"Wow, Lila, that was amazing! You think you can teach me?" Steve flashed a grin back at Natasha and Laura before placing little Nathaniel on his shoulders and taking off after his sister. Cooper was attempting to kick a soccer ball into the make shift goal Clint had constructed. Clint, ever the competitor, was blocking every single one. Natasha scoffed at both men and rolled her eyes earning her a light chuckle from Laura.

"What?"

"...Seriously?" Laura slid her sunglasses down the bridge of her nose to look at her friend, who just continued to stare at her blankly. "Look at you- _Clint!_ Let Cooper make a goal! You're being ridiculous!- You're practically drooling over him."

She opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and sat back in her chair. She was three days shy of seven months and she was literally losing her mind. That goddamn soldier and his giant pecs and abs. And why couldn't he ever find a shirt that fit him properly, for god's sake? And don't even get her started on how his pajama pants always hung low enough on his hips to bring even the most modest of the palace staff to fits and giggles whenever he walked through a room. Bugging her for two weeks straight to move into his room almost proved to be too much temptation, but somehow she'd stood her ground and refused.

But honestly...

She wanted him.

She thought about him bending her over and taking her on any flat surface she saw. Him lifting her and fucking her up against the shower wall. Her climbing his lap and riding him like there was no tomorrow. Him yanking her hair back with one and and choking her with the other and....

Natasha let out a quiet, shaky breath.

She blamed the little person inside her.

' _Traitor_.' she thought.

"Look, I'm the last one to judge, Nat." Laura laughed as she popped another grape into her mouth. "When I was pregnant with Nathaniel and Clint was away, I swore I would die from sexual deprivation. I still feel like I'm constantly making up for lost time!" She threw her head back and laughed as Natasha made a face accompanied by a light blush creeping up her neck and onto her cheeks.

She wanted him, but she didn't _need_ him. Did she?

His feet barely touched the ground as he ran, dodging Cooper and Lila as they scrambled to catch him in whatever game they were playing. She'd been so incredibly horny lately and even though she'd read it was normal, it was more annoying than anything. She felt like the universe was toying with her. Every single part of him literally took her breath away. From his perfectly sculpted body, his clear blue eyes, messy blonde hair. Not to mention how _well endowed_ he was. And he was so _so_ well endowed.

Steve suddenly looked up at her, his gaze as intense as she'd been feeling. Natasha wasn't sure how long she'd last. She felt foolish. She'd been the one to ban intimacy in the first place and now it looked like she was the one starting to crack. She bit her lip as she watched him hop around. God, he had a nice ass. The whole thing was a crime. He should be arrested. Hand cuffed to the bed post.

....

_'UUUUGGGGHHHH'_

_' &$*%#@$!%*&!!!!!!' ___

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
An 8 year old Natalia gazed at the city below. It had been a very important day. She'd received the exciting news that she was to be part of the Devushki Ivana. Ivan's Girls._

_"I will teach you everything. I will teach you how to take a life and make it so you feel nothing; it will become automatic. I will turn you into the weapon you were born to be." Ivan placed his hand on her shoulder. "The first thing about learning to kill is to know how, to know where and to know when."_

_"And why?" She asked him._

_"No, Natchechka. Not why. Never why. Why is for Americans and the French. Understand that this is a wire you will never be able to cut, my dear. You will never be able to separate yourself from our Mother Russia. All that matters is the mission. As long as you remember that, you will always remain the best at what you do."_

_It seemed like she was watching the entire exchange from afar. Herself as a young child staring up at that fucking bastard in adoration. She wanted to scream, remembering she'd actually felt safe for that sick twisted moment. Ivan had been the closest thing she'd ever had to a father. She would excell at all of her training and do her best for him and her Mother Russia._

_No! Don't do it! You'll destroy yourself! You'll try and destroy everyone you love! She tried screaming at her younger self but the scene was fading to black before her, but not before noticing the small red headed version of herself had turned into a boy about the same age with bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair._

_"Mama," She heard before they disappeared._

_She opened her eyes slowly only to be blinded by all of the white surrounding her. The sky, the ground, everything around her was covered in snow she'd noticed. She was standing in what looked like the middle of no where. Suddenly it all clicked into place. Her mind was reliving a memory in her dreams and she couldn't talk herself out of any of it._

_'Only another mile.' She thought, keeping her head down. She watched each foot rise and fall, rise and fall, losing herself in the rhythm of it._

_Her hands and face were stained with blood. Blood that didn't belong to her. She was shaking uncontrollably, which would seem normal in negative degree weather. But it wasn't the cold that was causing her to tremble._

_"Natalia." Irina had pleaded with her. She was the youngest of them. Only seven. "Please Natalia. You are my friend. Please."_

_Her vision was fading in and out as she kept trudging through the snow and mud. Eleven days. That was how long it had been since they'd dropped them off here in this winter waste land. All thirty two of them. With only enough supplies for one._

_Natalia face remained expressionless as she raised the pistol to the young girl's forehead. "And you are just a mission."_

_She'd thought all of those girls her friends...her family. But that's what they wanted them to think. Luckily for her she'd seen right through it from the beginning. And she had killed all of them one by one._

_"Please! Natalia No-" Irina's sobs were silenced immediately after the trigger was pulled, the single bullet between her eyes knocking her down. The snow turned red beneath her as she lay there, her blue eyes glossy as death overcame her.  
Natalia could still hear her pleas as the safe house came into view._

_"Natalia!"_

_Suddenly, Irina was there in front of her on her knees once again, begging to be spared. Except the hole from the bullet imbedded in her skull still remained. Natalia reared back, horrified, as Irina crawled closer, blood dripping down her nose and lips._

_"Natalia, please!"_

_No stay away!_

_Irina's pale blue eyes rolled into the back of head and her jaw fell open, emitting an ear piercing scream. Suddenly, she was seeing the same boy from earlier, screaming and reaching for her._

_She froze, realizing full well who that was supposed to be._

_"NATALIA!"_

_"MAMA!"_

"NATASHA!"

"NO!" She screamed, her eyes shooting open and instinct taking over immediately as she registered the hands trying to grab her shoulders. She couldn't see, it was completely dark, but she kicked and swung her fists like her life depended on it.

"Natasha! Hey! Na- _oomf_!" Her fist cracked the person above her in what she assumed was their jaw before she was lightly slammed onto the ground. One of the assailant's hands covering her mouth and the other holding both her wrists above her head.

" _Enough_." Came a low growl out of the darkness.

_Steve_

She went limp with relief as her vision started to clear up. The moonlight reflected off the bright blue eyes gazing back at her. Steve took his hand away as she calmed down. He couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't going to let her go through this alone again. As awful as he felt for her, he was angry that she always insisted on shutting him out.

"I'm here, Nat. Don't run from me." He said gently.

She was silent as she pushed him off and stood up, walking towards the window. He couldn't see her like this. She'd been so good at avoiding him during these moments until now.

"I heard you say his name..." Natasha froze. _No..._ "Why won't you talk to me? Why do torture yourself? You don't deserve it." She watched his reflection in the window as he came up behind her. She was so rattled she couldn't help the shaky breath that escaped from her lips.

"Steve, you should go. Thank you for waking me up, but you should-" She was feeling too much right now. She was willing to do anything to forget and clear her mind. She was wide awake now, but so exhausted from the fear and the doubt. It wouldn't be hard to lose herself in him. It never was.

"Nat...Let me take care of you. Clear your head a little bit." He whispered in her ear. Her brow furrowed in confusion while her mouth dropped open, her face taking on a look of frustrating pleasure. This wasn't the first time she'd silently wondered if he could read minds.

"Oh God," She gasped. His breathe was shallow, lips pressing against that spot on her spine between her neck and back. He'd barely been touching her then so she couldn't help but wince when her body involuntarily arched against him. No, she thought, we shouldn't do this. But her body was betraying her. She couldn't speak, she couldn't think. It was too much. As much as she'd tried to avoid it, she needed this. She needed him.

Natasha moved to face him, but he held her in place, running his hands up her nightgown. He grabbed her ass and squeezed as she moaned, clutching the vanity he'd shoved her up against a moment ago. She tried one last time to slip away, pushing her hand weakly against his stomach attempting to create just a little bit of distance. He chuckled darkly and slapped her hand away.

 _Who the hell was this man and what had he done with Steve?_ They'd only had sex twice, but it had been rushed and insane. He'd always been so reserved, she'd been sure he was the type to rather make love than fuck. She'd apparently been mistaken.

"You think I'm going to stop now? ...Natasha." She shivered as he said her name; as he ghosted the tip of his index and middle fingers along her thigh. "You're shaking. You want it that bad, don't you? I've seen you watching me." He watched her reflection in the mirror as she blindly moved her hands around, trying to hold onto something, anything. Steve grabbed her chin and made her look at herself. "Look at you, baby. You haven't had a good night sleep in weeks. Don't you want my help?"

How he'd known this was what she'd needed, she had no idea. But that was Steve. Always watching when no one thought he was. Always calculating and solving the problem. His tactical mind was built for that. No...maybe...it was built specifically for her.

Her pulse was racing, fear and desire lodged in her throat. She took a chance and flicked her eyes to the left to glance at him. She wished she wouldn't have. Her breath hitched as she took in his face, pupils so dilated they looked black instead of blue. He was biting his bottom lip so hard she was sure he was going to draw blood.

"Steve..." She gasped, feeling his hard-on press into her back. His breath was hot and heavy on her shoulder as his hands moved to the front of her hips and ground her ass against him. She bent forward, her scarlet tresses spilling all over the vanity's surface. Any control she'd had was about to be left behind as she started twisting her hips from left to right. He raised her arms up to remove her clothes before his mouth descended on hers.

Something inside Natasha seemed to snap as she clawed at his shirt, snatching it off his body. She was _starving_ for him. It had been so so long. Steve sighed as he ran his palm up her back, snatching up her neck when he got to it. His other hand moved across her belly before gently running his fingers along her soaking wet core.

"Don't even need my help, do you, Love?" He groaned. He grabbed his member and ran the tip lightly along the middle of her backside. "Are you ready?" He let out a deep breath as she just moaned in response. He grabbed her hair and yanked her head back so he could look her in the eye.

"I guess not, since you're not saying anything." What was he doing to her? She was going insane. She wanted to scream at him to fuck her but she couldn't say a word, so she stuck her ass out a little further instead. His self control was left behind as he ripped off her panties, bent his knees moved his hips forward and watched his dick disappear inside her. Natasha let out a quiet gasp of "Yesss" as she felt him fill her up entirely. She didn't know how she'd gone without this for so long. It was _so good_. No one could ever compare. He'd ruined her.

"...so beautiful, Nat." It was always _so good_ when he took her this way. _Nothing_ felt better than her heat surrounding him, taking every inch of him. He went painfully slow at first, allowing her to adjust and he watched her eyes as they grew wide for every thrust and almost close when he pulls out.

He kept opening his mouth like he was trying to speak, but could only manage a series of deep guttural moans. Hearing him this loud was new to her and it drove her _crazy_ , her own breath becoming lusty and labored. She willed her legs to keep her standing while he switched his angle to get him just a little deeper. Steve's hand moved up her torso squeezing her breasts and teasing her nipples. The harder his thrusts, the harder he pinched. It took everything he had to slow himself down and mind his strength, but he'd been surprised to hear a moan of protest from Natasha.

" _No,_ " She whined. "No don't stop _please_. I need...I _need_ it." He watched her with wide lust-filled eyes as she moved herself back and forth along his hard length without his help. She was pulling her own hair now, panting and shouting his name. He sped up driving into her harder and deeper as his fingers reached down to touch her bundle of nerves.

"Ah, ah, ah!" She gasped every time he drove into her. There would never be enough of this. She could never get enough. "Don't. Stop. God. Steve!" She threw her head back as her body convulsed, her knees giving out as her orgasm hit her full force. He groaned as he felt her muscles contract and squeeze around him. It was almost enough to make him come, but he'd had other plans.

He grabbed her right leg and spun his _(very)_ flexible lover so that she was sitting in his lap and facing him. Still deep inside her, his had stretched out to the middle of her back to help her balance. He held her up in mid air, telling her to hold onto the vanity if she wanted, while he lifted her up and down on him. Natasha couldn't believe what was happening. She'd always thought pregnant sex would be so awkward and uncomfortable, but here she was being lifted by her super soldier at seven months along being fucked in the air like there was no tomorrow.

She _really_ needed to stop underestimating him.

She felt Steve's hand on her shoulder tighten as his hard thrusts turn into a frenzied jerking motion. Her eyes rolled back as another ograsm approached her unexpectedly. They went over the edge together as he shouted her name, slamming into her one last time and shuddering as he spilled his seed inside her. He backed her up to sit on the vanity and they sat there for a moment, riding out their pleasure; kissing one another like they'd needed it to breathe.

"... _wow_." Was all Natasha could say while she struggled to catch her breath. Steve smirked before lifting her up and taking a few strides backward until he fell on the bed with her in his arms. They laid there, quiet and utterly spent; her running her hands along his bare chest and him pulling the blanket over them and kissing her forehead. Raw, animalistic Steve was gone; replaced with his usual gentle, charming and reserved self. They stayed quiet until he'd reached his hand underneath her chin so he could look at her.

"You are so much more than they made you think you were. When you're upset...when you feel like you do...please think of me; think of Bug. And how much we need you...and love you. I promise that's the best part, Nat. He'll always love you unconditionally." Steve ran his fingers through her hair as she snuggled closer, the walls she'd spent all those months building came crumbling down.

She wanted to tell him that's what she worried about the most. For someone so innocent to place so much trust in her only for her to fail them. She'd never loved anyone unconditionally. Loyal, sure. But love? She wanted to tell him that she didn't see how that would change, but she didn't have the heart.

"And me. I will too. Unconditionally." He said in a quieter voice. She'd hated that she was secretly relieved he didn't say those three words while they were in the position that they were. She understood him too, though. While they'd given into the physical temptations, Natasha figured it was best to maintain some sort of control. Drifting off in his arms, she thought in the back of her mind how she knew that, too, was going to be short lived.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drive- Glades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of Steve angst going on in this chapter  
> All the feels.
> 
>  
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderful heyfrenchfreudiana

  
  
  
He'd been offering her his bed for a while now, and every time she had refused. He couldn’t and would never tell anyone just how relieved he was about that. It wasn't that he didn't want her there. Oh, no. If anything, her presence would probably do him some good. But he didn't want to take that chance. He gazed out the window and listened to the brushing of the leaves as the trees swayed in the wind. It was another sleepless night for him. Steve had been averaging two to three hours a night for the last six months or so. At least at the tower, he had been able to spar and run practice drills until he'd been so exhausted there was no choice but to sleep. Being here in Wakanda was like torture. Life was just too _easy_. It gave him too much time to think.  
  
And now, ever since they'd found out about the baby, the nightmares had gone from bad to unbearable. He'd find himself up in the middle of the night, heart beating so fast he'd thought it would burst. The echo of the screams and cries of his child or Natasha rang in his ears; the two of them always being just out of his reach while he tried desperately to get to them. He would jolt awake in a cold sweat and fight to calm himself, but that had only worked for a few weeks before the attacks started up again.  
  
It was hitting him harder every time he thought about it all. The overwhelming worry of something or someone trying to hurt his defenseless child; something happening to him or Nat or the both of them, leaving their child alone. It was almost always worse than the last. His chest would become so tight, he'd claw at his shirts gasping for air. Then the tremors would start, his body quaking so heavily that his vision would start to blur. The next few minutes were always a gamble. He would either breathe his way through it or he'd find himself flat on his back on the floor, eyes fluttering when he would finally regain consciousness. Sleeping without a shirt hadn't proved to be any better since he would often end up with welts covering his chest. Luckily those were always gone by morning.  
  
Steve wanted nothing more than to have Nat in his bed at night, but the truth was, he felt she wasn't safe with him. She needed support. She needed strength and during the day, he could provide that. But the night brought out the worst in him and she didn't need to see that. What they had shared the other night had started with the every intention of him comforting her, but he'd realized it had quickly become about himself as well. When he'd woken up to her screaming, the fact that what he'd been hearing was the real thing instead of in his mind nearly sent him into overdrive. He'd been so close to losing it when he went to her that night. It wasn't just her mind he'd been trying to clear. The guilt he felt, the feeling that he'd basically used her, had made him feel so awful that he hadn't tried to touch her that way since.  
  
And he knew that she'd noticed. Thankfully, she didn't question it. It was only a matter of time though.  
  
It seemed that as the time went by and as the baby grew, his of loss and liability took greater effect on him. He'd think about the world. All of the devastation he'd had such a large hand in, whether he'd been trying to do the right thing or not. How it had cost them Wanda's home and her brother, uprooted the Bartons from their home, destroyed the Avengers.  
  
...How it had cost Tony his sanity.  
  
He'd understood that now more than ever before; trying to make the right choices when your mind is being clouded by anxiety and insecurities. Tony was a problem solver. The "unknown" was never a concern for him. He'd taught himself everything there was to know. At least that's what he'd thought. Then the misuse of his weapons? Tony felt responsible. The Aliens? Tony had readily sacrificed himself for the greater good. Global Destruction? Tony had personally placed that heavy burden of guilt on his own shoulders. Ultron? That'd been him trying to fix it. And then Pepper, then James Rhoades...  
  
Did any of it change Steve's mind about the Accords? Not in the least. But the pain of having to fight someone he'd considered a friend. The fact that he'd had to stand against someone he cared about in order to save another, was a hard pill to swallow. Keeping Bucky safe gave him a clear objective, but being here had allowed him to gain perspective and to see that Tony had never been against him. Iron Man's ultimate battle was lying within himself. He wished he'd been a better friend and recognized that before. He wasn't sorry for following his heart, but he was sorry it had cost him a friend. He vaguely tried to convey that in the letter he'd sent with that burner phone. But now whenever he thought about it, he felt like a fool.  
  
Steve thought about Bucky. How much he needed his best friend. How he would give anything just to see him smile; to hear him say his name. To tell him he was having a son. That he was scared shitless and needed someone to knock some sense into him. To show him how to be a father. He didn't know anything about that. He knew how to lead. That seemed to be part of him; in his blood. But Bucky, he knew how to nurture. After losing his father at age five, he'd stepped up to help his mom and practically raised his sisters while his mother worked all day. He'd been the one to do their hair and iron their dresses. The one to fix their breakfasts and wipe their tears and threaten the bullies. He'd done it for Steve too. Spending days by his beside when Steve was sick and his mother would allow it. Always encouraging him that he was capable of anything, even when the world was telling him he wasn't. Never failing to deliver a slap to the back of the head when Steve stubbornness ran the show. He'd always told Buck he'd make a great father someday. Knowing that he'd likely never would be but that it had seemed to happen so easily (and unintentionally) to him scared him. It gave him that sinking feeling that none of it was really meant to be. Something was probably lurking in the shadows to snatch it all away like everything else he loved.  
  
Steve couldn't stop the constant plaguing of his thoughts. He couldn't stop the panic, the guilt, the sadness, the loneliness. He'd never been good at that actually. Never being the one to run and solving your problems with tactical maneuvers and your fists, did nothing to calm his mind. Which always brought him back to the person who'd been on his mind the most lately.  
  
Steve was confident there would never be another like Sara Rogers to grace the Earth. He'd yet to meet one person who remotely compared. His dear mother. His sunshine on a cloudy day, his hope when there seemed to be none left. The woman who had once sold his great grandfather’s pocket watch, one of the only things of value they owned, so that she could surprise him with a new set of charcoal pencils and a sketchbook for Christmas. The woman who kept him alive and well every time the doctors told her to accept and prepare for the worst. She _never_ gave up on him. She believed in him with every fiber of her being.  
  
It's what made Steve who he was. He lead because his mom believed he could....and....because he hadn't been able to take the lead in the family like a good son should. He said always wanted to do the right thing just because it was the right thing, but deep down, in the depths of his soul that he wouldn't dare to ever acknowledge, he was compensating for something. He couldn't _ever_ let her unyielding confidence in him go to waste. To this day, he was still able to recall one of the last entries he'd made in his journal before they'd found out she was sick.  
  
_1936 May 11_

 _Even after working a double shift, Ma works her hands_  
_to the bone; chopping vegetables for supper, stitchin_    
_up my clothes when the holes start up, whatever needs_  
_done. I love her hands even if they're not as soft as they_  
_used to be. I admire that. I want to be strong like her. She_  
_says I am. Someday maybe I will be._  


Steve was from a time where death was expected and unavoidable. It was painful regardless, but it wasn't as taboo as it seemed to be in this century. He'd come to terms with her death back when he was a young man and it was the one thing he didn't have to obsess over, since it had happened before the serum. He'd been robbed of his time with her, but not by the ice, and for that he was grateful. But knowing now that he'd created a life and that he would have to be the one to guide this new life, his need for his mother was almost severe. Sara could calm her son with the softest of touches and quietest of songs. She could kiss his forehead and hold him in her arms and the world would never fail to right itself. If she were here, she'd do the same for her grandbaby. He _needed_ her and he hadn't felt that way in _such_  a long time. 

  
The fact that he didn't have either of them there with him to share those black and white grainy photos with, no one to tell him how he had been as a child, to give him advice and tips from experience rather than a book. It twisted the knife in his heart every time he thought about it. And as much as he'd try to push the negative thoughts away, the idea of something happening to the only person in this world with his own blood running through their veins, scared him in a way that nothing else ever had. Nevertheless, he had become an expert at putting on that brave face for Natasha and the others. No one seemed to see past his commanding presence and stern looks. He preferred it that way. He'd sacrificed himself before. He was used to it. Steve's job was to protect Natasha and their family and he would do so even if it cost him...himself.  
  
Natasha...  
  
And where did he even start with any of that? He didn't know what they were; what they _weren't_. She didn't seem sure of anything either, but he knew she felt it too. The spark that ignited by simply making eye contact. The fire burning whenever they touched each other. He knew he loved her. That was probably the _only_ thing he knew about the entire situation. Well her and the baby. He didn't know a damn thing about being it's parent, but even he couldn't explain strange type of attachment he felt. Like his very existence depended on the baby's welfare. His. Him. He still forgot about that sometimes. Natasha didn't talk about the baby much. Steve wished she did. It bothered him to smile and always be optimistic when he had an endless amount of questions and worries himself.  
  
He glanced at the clock. 4:45 AM. Shrugging, he got out of bed, stretched and padded into the adjoining bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror, taking in the dark circles underneath his eyes. He hadn't slept properly in so long. If it weren't for their serum, he was sure he'd be dead by now. He let out a deep sigh into the small towel after splashing his face with some cold water. That was the last moment he gave himself before shaking it all off and telling himself it was a good time to grab his sketch pad and go for a walk.  
  
****************  
  
Natasha watched Steve walk down the hall. He was obviously distracted because he didn't even glance in her direction. She wasn't in plain sight, but his senses rarely failed him. He'd been acting so strange lately. They hadn't really touched intimately at all since that nice he'd woken her up, which was strange. She had known Steve for years but for the life of her she could not get a read on this man. He wasn't a one night stand kind of guy so that was the first thing that told her something was wrong. Something he was clearly hiding. This confused her even more; that he would even try. One would think he'd know better.  
  
She waited a while before she started following him. He'd had yet show any kind of awareness of her presence, but she had thought it best to stay a ways behind. It wouldn't have been wise to surprise him in a quiet or dark environment and she wasn't going to take her chances. SHIELD had learned that lesson shortly after he'd come out of the ice. She jumped as guard adjusted his posture in the shadows near the top of the stairs. Damn this place was creepy at night. It seemed like she was missing her apartment in Soho more and more lately.  
  
The sun was just peeking from behind the trees when she found him, sitting on a bench leaning forward. Her brows shot up in concern as she got close enough to first notice his sketchpad and pencils strewn about the floor....and then his fingers tugging at his hair. His teeth clenching; the veins rising in his neck and his arms. Taking gulps of air to catch his breath. She maintains an eight foot distance as moves forward until she's across from him.  
  
"Steve..." She says quietly, not wanting to draw any kind of attention. "What's happening? What's wrong with you?" He let go of his hair immediately, his hand falling to his knee. She could see the familiar tremor in his shoulders as she realized what was happening. Panic. Anxiety.  
  
"Nothing," he said, but he kept his head down. "It's nothing. Just happens sometimes. Not usually random like this though." Letting out a huff of sarcastic laughter, he shakes his head in embarrassment. This was the last goddamn thing he wanted to talk about. Weak. He felt weak and it pissed him off.  
  
"Yeah like hell it’s nothing," Natasha hissed. She was more worried than anything, but anger was easier to portray. "Why haven't you told anyone? Why haven't you told me? You can't just keep shit like this to yourself, Rogers! What if-"  
  
Steve's head shot up. "You never asked." He held her gaze until she had to actually look away, the weight of the shame she was feeling becoming heavier by the second. He was right. She hadn't asked. She hadn't even been paying enough attention to notice anything. It had been all about _her_ being pregnant and not being able to deal with _her_ life. As if her life was the only one being affected.  
  
"How long?" she asked, unable to take the silence any longer. He put on a small smile as the look in his eyes turned almost dark and sinister.  
  
"Now, I don't really need to tell the Black Widow that being frozen in ice for 70 years and then _living_ through it doesn't go without repercussions, do I?" She stayed silent. "You know...there's a part of me that maybe believes Ultron was right. I really can't live without a war. Peace and quiet seem to be overrated." She knew this was the part where she should say something...anything would be better that standing there like an idiot. But it didn’t seem like she was capable of much else at the moment, so she stayed quiet.  
  
************  
She'd practically run away from him after that, panicking because she hadn't known how to respond to him. She felt like an asshole. It was true Natasha didn't do emotions. But now with all these hormones running through her, she'd turned into a walking contradiction. Sitting there whining and complaining about whatever she felt like for no reason at all; accepting physical and emotional comfort from him that he'd had to force because she was so stubborn. She'd witnessed him having a vulnerable moment and she bolted like a fucking coward.  
  
_'Ugh But I'd still be sitting there like an idiot because I'm a fucking emotionally void crazy person!'_ She paces back and forth in the hallway. What should she do? What could she say? The guilt started to catch up with her again and she slowed to a stop. _'He probably hates me now. He trusted me and I walked just away.'_  
  
"Hey." Natasha spun around, coming face to face with Sam, who was sporting a tired frown. "It's 6 AM, Red. What are you doing up? Is Steve up?" Minutes passed. Sam didn't move, just folded his arms across his chest and stared her down, waiting for her speak. He'd known her well enough to know something had gone down. If she really had nothing to say, she would have already left.  
  
"Steve's having panic attacks and he's been hiding it and I was upset because he didn't say anything to me, but then he said I never asked. And it's true I haven't and I know I've been crazy the past few months but even before that. I mean, we all _lived_ together for Christ sake!" The words were just pouring out and she couldn’t stop herself. "Been on so many missions together. Went on the run together and not once did I ever notice? How? I'm a spy, Sam. _The_ spy. How could I not have known? And how could he not say anything? We're supposed to trust each other. We're supposed to-" She shut up when Sam suddenly grabbed her upper shoulders and gave her one good shake.  
  
"Stop," he said firmly. "You need to calm down, right now. You stressing out definitely won't help anything." Natasha stared up at him until her breathing started to even out. "Good. So...you're not going to like what I'm about to say."  
  
Silence.  
  
"I knew."  
  
She was still silent, but the scowl forming on her face was _not_ pretty.  
  
"Hey now, I'm a man. It's not my job to run to my best friend's woman and gossip. It's my job to be his friend, that's it." He'd be lying if he said her silence didn't frighten him a bit, but he continued anyway. "And as his friend, I'd like to first point out that _you_ don't tell anyone _anything_ so if I were you, I'd refrain from ever trying to use that in an argument with him, okay Black Widow?" Sam Smirked. He was hitting a nerve, he could tell. Her cheeks were turning red and her scowl had turned into a hard glare.  
  
He cleared his throat. "And second, I tell my patients at the VA center that the hardest part about leading and being the strong one is that no one ever asks if you're okay. It's not because people don't care. They're just sort of...naive. Strength and bravery don't mean you have it all together. You should know that better than most."  
  
"But how is it no one else has known? He's always so..."  
  
"I know, I know." Said Sam. "He's a _terribly_ nice guy. And yea, he can run fast and he can lift things five times his size, but he's human, Nat. He feels things like everyone else. Traumatic things can effect his mind just like the next guy. The serum didn't change that."  
  
He took one last breath, figuring he'd gone on long enough already and needed to get to the point. "I know you're dealing with a lot. I know you need him. But he needs you too, Nat. You've been through alot together. And even more before that. You should know better than anyone how important it is to have someone."  
  
Sam excused himself after that, heading out for the jog he'd risen early for in the first place. Once again, Natasha just stood there letting what he said sink in. It had been a long time since she'd felt this _stupid_. She'd always found a form of pride in her skill. The ability to read and see through any facade or personality. She could count on one hand how many people had gotten the best of her. But it wasn't that Steve had been trying to fool her or any of the others. He'd been trying to shoulder the burden alone. She didn't understand why though.  
  
_'Thank God for Sam.'_ She thought as she moved to go back the way she came. She rubbed her belly absentmindedly to calm her nerves when she spotted the soldier sitting on one of the chaise lounges. He had his sketchpad in his lap. His blue eyes were clear and alert, looking up every few minutes at the large antique chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Natasha caught the tiniest pause of his hand but he continued to draw like nothing happened. He'd noticed her this time.  
  
"I'm sorry." She said as she slowly sank down next to him. He didn’t say a word, just continued to draw. So they just sat there for a while; her waiting for him and him finishing his project like she wasn't there at all. It's only when she let out a sharp gasp, that Steve finally looked toward her. His eyes were trained on her belly though. Not her face. He'd caught the baby deliver what he could only assume was a hard kick in the corner of his eye.  
  
"I still trust you with my life, Nat. That hasn't changed." He said, his eyes never leaving her stomach. "There are few I trust with that, and even fewer with much else. I can't say that you're any kind of an exception right now...other than your carrying my child." He sounded almost _guilty_ when he'd said that. She wanted to roll her eyes so badly. Of course he'd find a way for himself to be at fault. The man knew how to make anyone feel like terrible person with literally no effort at all.  
  
"Okay...I deserve that." She said slowly. "Look...feelings aren't my strong suit, but...I really can't tell you how _sorry_ I am. I was supposed to be your friend and all this time...Well, I feel like I've been failing you. I'm _always_ a step ahead. It's what I do... but with this I was...just like everyone else. Blinded by the Stars and Stripes....the glory and the good nature...I had no idea it was a front."  
  
"...It's not a _front_ , Nat, I-"  
  
"But I should have known better. I always know better! Besides...I've always seemed to fail when it comes to hiding myself from you. I should give you more credit. I'm sor-" Her words became muffled when her face collided with his chest. He was _hugging_ her. Natasha's shoulders sagged in relief and she burrowed into him for a few seconds before peeking up at his face. He still looked very unsettled , but only sighed as he tightened the arm around her shoulders.  
  
"I know I’m selfish." She mumbled.  
  
"We're all guilty. We're only human." He replied. "It's never easy, but holding ourselves accountable for our faults means that there are at least a few good people left at the end of the day. And you _are_ a good person, Nat."  
  
They sat together enjoying the silence until he started messing with the baby, lightly pushing at the spots he'd seen a little body part poke out of a moment before. The kid was a stubborn one too. Steve swore that the more he messed with him, the harder he'd kick or punch.  
  
"Little jerk..." Steve mumbled. Oh yes the baby was the jerk. Not the grown man bothering him from the outside. She smiled, then winced as she was kicked again. It reminded her of the short film of he and Bucky that she’d watched during one of her many visits to his Smithsonian exhibit.  
  
"James," she said absently.  
  
"Huh?" Steve looked around in confusion.  
  
"I think we should name him James." His mouth fell open a little before he snapped it shut. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, just stared at her in disbelief. She kept her gaze forward and waited patiently for his response.  
  
"...Really?" His voice faltered. Natasha nodded but looked away from him, her nerves getting the better of her. She hadn’t expected a baby name conversation to become so intimate. She had figured it would mean a lot to him but…

He let go of her hand and brought her back to face him.  
  
"Nat...Thank you." He said softly. “I don’t know what to-” She felt her face heat up but kept her eyes on his. They were full of love and adoration and his smile was the most genuine she’d seen on him in a while. He was a giving her _butterflies_. Natasha cringed at the realization and honestly part of her just wanted to run. But only part of her. The last thing she wanted to do was push him away, but she’d had enough talk for the day. So she gently tugged his shirt right underneath the collar to bring him down to her instead, giving him a quick but tender kiss.

Whatever thoughts she’d had about stopping were forgotten as he sat up straighter and tugged her forward. He didn't kiss her but kept her lips so close to his, they nearly touched. He takes one last moment to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear before his mouth is on hers, kissing her faster and deeper with need that grew more urgent with every second. They hadn’t kissed like that since London so she let him set the pace...which ended up being more fervent than she’d thought it would be but she had no complaints. When they finally managed to force themselves apart, they were a panting, heaving mess.

“Upstairs.” He said. Oh, his eyes had taken on that dark hue again that was impossible not to notice. He stood up to leave, while she shot up a little too quickly to follow him. She shrugged her shoulders when he looked at her. It was an order she didn’t mind following.  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I sort of fell off the face of the earth.  
> My kid started preschool and I nanny a 1 year old so life is crazy sometimes.  
> I was going to post one giant chapter, but I figured it was just too long.  
> I have the second part of this all ready to post which I will do in a few days!  
> Thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> Also  
> I edited this myself because I felt like I already took long enough as it was.  
> So I'll go ahead and apologize for that in advance

“All right!” Doctor Bello flipped her chart closed and smiled. “It looks like everything is going great with baby! Only four more weeks to go. I still want you getting plenty of water and rest.” She reached forward to wipe the off Natasha’s stomach.

“Anything I can do, Doc?” Steve was beaming like he always did during her prenatal appointments. While she was always worried to hear what was going on, he’d be ecstatic, practically bouncing every step of the way there. It annoyed her, but she felt it cruel to mention anything. This was just about the only thing he had to look forward to in his life right now and she didn't want to ruin that.

“You can ensure that she actually takes it easy. We both know that she doesn’t.” She chuckled at the ex-assassin, who was now staring daggers at her. “Also, since we still have a little bit to go and her cervix is starting to prepare, I must discourage you from having any...tumultuous intercouse.”

“Tumultuous int-”

“Rough sex, Steve.” A cheshire cat-like grin spread across her face and Natasha looked up at him, batting her eyelashes as he helped her down. “She wants you to be gentle with me.”

“Nat!” He hissed, shoving his hands in his pockets and glaring up at the ceiling. She should’ve felt bad for teasing him, but her eyes shined with laughter as she watched the dark blush creep from underneath his shirt and up his neck. Even his ears were red. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it, saying a quick goodbye to the doctor as she lead him out of the exam room.

All things considered, the pregnancy had been an easy one. Her vitals were great, his head was low (which explained why she could never get comfortable, sitting or standing) and she’d learned that the tightening and cramping she’d been feeling were called Braxton Hicks...and also that it really didn’t mean anything besides fake contractions and the fact that her body was just being an asshole. She’d been worried about her belly still being relatively small, but they’d told her it was nothing to worry about. Something about her “carrying in her back” which, admittedly, didn’t make any sense her. Natasha may not have shown it, but James was actually measuring pretty big and they were predicting nine pounds or so. She may have been small, but she’d still lost sight of her feet a while ago.

It went without saying that Black Widow was fearless on all counts. She’d seen and been through things that would have broken most. She’d killed and almost been killed more times than she could remember. And she had gone toe to toe with the world’s most formidable adversaries (on more than one occasion!). For Natasha though, the thought of pushing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon was just plain scary. She’d had plenty experience dealing with pain in her lifetime so it wasn’t so much that as it was the visual that left her so unsettled. Damn YouTube. Steve had only been able to watch a birthing video for about three minutes before he actually threw up and demanded to know why a woman would put their “business”, as he’d put it, all over the internet for the world to see. That was always fun to give him shit about and she and Clint did it every chance they got.

Luckily, yoga and meditation had helped a great deal with keeping her thoughts to herself and staying grounded. She’d also taken to having a good old fashioned cry in the bathtub to cope with her anxiety with her due date growing closer and of course Steve noticed both of those things without delay. He was always just showing up, whether it was in the studio with a warm cup of tea or in the bathroom with some oil to rub her feet. He never pressed for her talk to him; never spoke a word when he watched her sink back into the bubbles and weep as silently as she could manage. Eventually, he’d started undressing and sliding into the tub behind her, wrapping his arms around her shaking body until she calmed and promising over and over that he’d never leave. It was hard for Steve to watch, but it gave him hope that she never fought him and always seemed better for it after.

Any type of progress was better than none at all. And while he’d been there to wake her from almost every nightmare and tried hard to placate her when she couldn’t do it herself, Natasha was working overtime to invade his space. If he snuck away, she attempted to follow. Sometimes she’d try asking what was on his mind; others not saying much of anything at all. She noticed just her being there seemed to soothe him. But then there were the many times that he was firm about being alone. She wasn’t stupid (he knew that but okay..) and she had already figured he would try and pull something like this when he had another breakdown. She would only stay behind when he made a point to ask her to do so and even that would last an average of about five minutes. Because according to her, by “stay behind”, he’d clearly meant: wait until he was too far gone to make her leave. She’d approached him slowly before pressing her belly against his temple while softly laying her hand on the other side of his head. James, who’s in utero acrobatics had become well known for their impeccable timing, delivered a swift kick front and center and his father stilled only for a moment before pulling her into his arms and letting her run her fingers through his hair. She had done it every time since then. They never talked about it, but she knew it meant everything to him.

They’d put a lot of effort into being there for one another and in whatever way they could manage. Fortunately for the both of them, they were completely insatiable. Even as she was neared the end of her pregnancy, they were heavily enthralled in one another at least three or four times a week. For the times he’d have to do all the work, he never seemed to mind at all and most days finding an enjoyable position around her distended belly had become about as easy for her as finding clothes that fit. So she started to wear his tops. Steve would find her roaming around in those little black shorts and one of his button-ups or one of his tighter fitting t-shirts; she'd glare and ask what he was looking at. But then she began noticing the look in his eyes and started mumbling things about his clothes being comfortable or that they smelled like him. Sometimes she would even ask for the actual shirt he’d already been wearing for half the day. There were always two motives for this of course; for her to rid him of his shirt so that she could attack his naked torso and then to wear that shirt after the sex resulting in said naked torso attack. He could have told her that watching her walk around in his clothes, with her hands on her lower back and the bottom of her belly poking out, made him feel more devotion and appreciation than he could handle. But he wasn’t one to ruin a good thing, deliberately at least, so he’d just smile to himself.

So maybe he couldn’t physically share her pain and he’d been trying his best (more than she gave him credit for) but she was thirty-six weeks pregnant with a giant super child inside her and she couldn’t keep her balance worth a damn. Her face was fuller, her boobs were huge and she really didn’t want to wear anything but her underwear. Her back and shoulders were aching, walking was a chore and her ankles were swelling. She’d never been so big before and it was terrible and she hated it. She hated it all. And it was just so frustrating because Steve was so good and attentive. Like she was a complete mess he kept constantly picking up after and it aggravated her to no end. Always asking if she needed anything or telling her how beautiful she was and tons of other cutesy stuff and she didn’t need any of that. What she needed was a distraction. Lucky her; he had that down. That had probably been the best part lately. Though she was sure that Steve would have kept her so vulnerable and dependent if he could have his way. 

 

***************

 

“ _Nat? You here?” He asked, poking his head into their room. He knew she was but also knew that he’d annoy her if he assumed. She’d take that assumption as him calling her lazy or whatever and it usually went to hell after that. Good move on his end, considering she was on the floor at the foot of the bed stretching._

_“Where else would I be?” She mumbled. She’d just finished her morning yoga routine. One she’d been forced to adopt after an hour long discussion (yelling match) between her and Clint over whether or not kickboxing was the best decision with her a far along as she was. Steve hadn’t interfered at all. He was too busy standing in the corner with a shit-eating grin on his face._

_“They’ve made a prototype for Buck. For his arm, I mean.” He said as he shut the door behind him and made his way over to her. He tapped his foot against her back signaling her to move forward so he could sit behind her._

_“Really?” She leaned to touch her toes._

_“Yeah. Wanda thinks she might be able help with his mind too. They’re thinking they may unfreeze him soon depending on that. I’m nervous about it though.” Natasha sat back and leaned against his chest, draping her forearms over her stomach. He did the same, his large frame enveloping hers completely. James was twisting and turning about and Steve squeezed her for a brief moment. She still didn't say anything back. She didn’t know what to say, really._

_She looked up at him and he down at her, bringing his hand up to cup her face as he leaned in close. He brushed his lips against hers before kissing her softly. Once, twice and then again. But the third kiss was long and languid. He couldn’t stop himself from biting her bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth, breathing heavily as she melted into him before she parted her lips. She bit back a moan and Steve wasted no time, delving inside, exploring her; tasting her. He sighed into her hair, one hand disappearing beneath her top, the other moving south until his fingers found reached her soaked panties and quickly moved them to the side. She moaned at the contact and brought one of her legs outside of his to spread herself further. He stuck one finger inside her, followed by two more, reveling in just how wet she already was. She arched her back, rubbing her ass on the firm bulge pressed up against her._

_And before she knew what was happening, he was fucking her with his fingers; teasing her with his palm at an unbelievable pace that kept her writhing, grinding and demanding more. He switched between each breast, sucking and pinching her nipples; leaving them raw and red before he brought his teeth to the skin just below her ear, his dirty thoughts spilling from his lips before he could even think to stop it._

_“_ Shhh, Love. You’re goin’ crazy and I'm not even inside you yet. _”_

_Her breath hitched and and she shivered. So close. Just a little more._

_“_ Jesus you are so wet. Is it all my fault, Nat? Do I do that to you?”

_She nodded frantically as he pumped his fingers in and out. He was going so hard that he was lifting her off the ground with every thrust. Even before she started screaming, he knew it was what she wanted. He knew she liked it rough._

_“_ Yeah cum all over my fingers,Tasha. Do it. Don't hold back."

_And she didn’t, keening a loud shrill cry as her orgasm took her over. She rode it out while he rubbed her gently, the comedown leaving her sagged against him fighting to catch her breath. He waited for a moment before he pulled his hand out of her pants and brought it to her lips. She raised her eyebrows in surprise. He’d never done that before._

_‘_ Poor guy’s about to have a heart attack.'  _She thought before allowing each of his digits into her mouth one by one, enjoying the taste of herself as she sucked...And moaning to make sure he noticed. Steve shook as he dropped his head, resting it there between her neck and shoulder. His fingers were still in her mouth and she could feel his hard length pressing into her back._

_Natasha bit his fingers when he lifted his head to look at her and he growled, literally lifting her forward onto her hands and knees. He brought himself up, unbuttoned his pants and yanked down her shorts before he sat back a moment to admire the view. He ran his hand along the smooth, taut skin of her rearend and down her bare thigh. She gasped loudly as he slapped it once good and hard before he grabbing her hips and rocking her back and forth against him to tease her._

_“_ Ugh, what are you waiting for??” _She ground out. He let out a breathy laugh at her impatience, tightening his grip on her hips as he slowly slid himself inside of her, allowing her time to adjust. She’d told him the baby created a lot of pressure now and sometimes his initial thrust paired with his size was just too powerful. He’d acted sorry...he wasn’t really._

_“Come on, Steve_

_“But...I...Nn-”_

_“I’m not going to fucking break. Harder.”_

_His shut his eyes and bit his lip, his firm hold on her hip so tight she whimpered. He ran his other hand up her back, lightly gripped the back of her neck and forced her head down a little bit._

_“You sure?” He gave a particularly hard thrust forcing her to cry out. “_ If I was fucking you as hard as I wanted to, you might. _”_

_He took her fast and hard after she let out deep breath and instructed him to “go”. Her hand shot out to hold herself up. She was frantic, panting as her body shook with desire._

_“Please.” She begged._ Begged _._ Fuck _._

_This was the last thing he’d expected to be doing when he’d come up to find her, but by god he would enjoy as if it were their last time. He brought a hand up to cover her mouth; a poor attempt to keep her quiet as he moved inside her. He felt the pressure of her tightening around him, her body tensing up as she screamed and came again. Her constant clenching milked him as he tried to thrust his way through and he suddenly moaned to her that he was close, snapping his hips faster, his teeth digging into his lower lip so hard he swore it was bleeding._

_“Wha- N-nat!”_

_She quickly moved herself off of him and he whimpered as he felt her heat leave him. He couldn’t think straight enough to ask her what she was doing. A surprised grunt escaped him as his shaft was engulfed by a different kind of warmth. His eyes went wide and he looked down when he realized what she was doing. Natasha, who was crouching forward in effort to obtain the best angle she could, had him in her mouth. Her eyes met his as he stared at her bobbing head; his open mouth emitting silent moans and sharp breaths. It was something that they’d never done before._

_“You...don’t have to.” It was a stupid thing to say; something she didn’t need to be told. “Ah!”_

_She smiled wickedly with him still between her lips and bared her teeth as they sunk into his skin; glaring at him so he’d know it was no accident. She _bit_ him. Not hard of course but enough to make him jump. The delicious pain he felt and the look in her eyes sent the message loud and clear._

_‘Shut the fuck up, Rogers.’ She started moving again, swirling her tongue around and sucking on the end as hard as she could._

_He was done for. Any shred of self control he had disappeared completely._

_“_ Mmph...Jesus, Nat. Fuck yes don’t st-”

_Steve was practically howling and that left him more than a little embarrassed. He wasn’t the moaning type to begin with yet he was gasping her name, begging her to keep going and holding onto the footboard behind him for dear life. He grit his teeth, fighting with the instinct to hold her head in place and fuck himself into her face that way. He watched her cheeks hollow out as she moved up and down along his swollen member. She pulled back, tongue darting out to wet her lips and he watched as they darkened from bright red to wine before she took him in again. His thoughts had taken a very dirty turn and all he wanted to do was shove himself as far down her throat as possible. He wanted to make her choke until she couldn’t breathe and tears ran down her face._

_“_ Shit...Natasha. Shit, shit, shit…”

_And he started to feel a little guilty and disturbed by the images flashing through his mind...until she startled him by taking his entire length inside her mouth and he felt the tip touch the back of her throat. She didn’t even flinch; didn’t choke or sputter. Just kept repeating the movement over and over until they both heard the footboard crack underneath the pressure of Steve’s fingers and she smiled, sweetly this time,- that fucking smile was going to kill him- even though her mouth was still full to the brim._

_That did it. He grabbed her hair, arched his back and his vision went white. She was swallowing everything he put out and it felt so wonderful that for a second, he thought he was going to pass out. He could hear nothing but the blood rushing in his ears, but he could tell by the strain he felt in his throat that he was shouting something. The feelings of her nails digging into his wrist sent him crashing back to reality and he immediately let go of her._

_“Sorry. Sorry! Was I too rough? I’m so-”_

_“Shut_ up _, Steve.” She gasped and she rolled to her back onto the floor, her hands in her hair as she caught her breath. His head fell back and lightly hit the footboard, eyes glazed over and arms limp at his sides. His pants were down around his ankles, exposing him entirely but he couldn’t bring himself to give a damn about any sort of modesty at the moment._

_“What’d you think, Soldier?” Natasha looked up at him. “Weren’t expecting that, were you?” She’d rolled to her side since laying on her back for any longer than few minutes basically suffocated her. He lulled his head to the side, looked down at her and managed nothing but a dopey grin._

_“Speechless, are we?” She patted his knee. “Good. Now, I say we nap for a bit and then you can return the favor.” His little stupor seemed to clear when she mentioned that and his eyes widened as he lifted his head._

_“I uh...I’m not-” He’d went from sated to flustered in a matter of seconds. She loved when he did. It was pretty adorable._

_“Relax, Rogers.” She chuckled. “I can help with that too.” She crawled over and kneeled in front of him. Bringing both hands to each side of his face with her lips less than an inch away from his own, she looked into his eyes before she whispered._

_“I know a bit about that too. Been on the receiving and the giving end.” She smirked as his eyebrows shot up before his blue eyes narrowed and darkened with realization._

_“Oh really?” He rasped. She felt something brush against her thigh and looked down. What a blessing that lack of refractory period was. “Got a preference?”_

_“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He groaned, her reply sending a shiver down his spine._

_“Do we_ have _to nap first?”_

Oh yes. It was definitely the best part.

************************

 

“Any chance you’ll ever go see that counselor?” Clint leaned against the large doorway to the greenhouse, another place Natasha had taken to lying around in. It was a large room, giant windows making up the walls and ceiling entirely to allow maximum sunlight. There were exotic, beautiful flowers surrounding the entire room. King T’Challa had told her about it a few weeks ago and she’d found herself in there often ever since.

“Why are you even asking?” She grumbled, not even bothering to look up from the mountain of plush pillows she had been laying on.

“You know I had to try.” He shrugged, walking over and flopping down next to her.

“Mm stupid question. That what I have you for.”

Alright, that touched him a little bit. But still.

“Right.” He scoffed. “Discussing deep dark shit and the traumatic aftereffects and all that jazz. I’m your guy.”

“You are that guy. For me anyway.” Oh she went straight for the kill.

“Way to butter me up, Sweetheart.” She made a face at the name, but didn’t say anything for a while. He watched as the sunlight poured down on her, giving her green eyes an ethereal look and lighting up the golden strands peaking out of her auburn hair.

“Jeez, Tash, you really are glowing.”

“ _Oh my God_ , Barton. Stop.” She tossed a pillow and hit him square in the face.

He grinned, pleased that she’d given such a normal reaction to his compliment.

“I still don't know if I can do this.” She said it so quietly, he wasn’t sure he’d have heard her if the room itself wasn’t already silent.

“Of course you can. You're doing it right now.”

“You know what I mean. It's all happening so fast. He’s going to be here and I have no idea-” She stopped when she felt Clint grab her hand.

“Tasha,” He intertwined their fingers and tugged at her to look his way. “You’re going to see him and... it's all going to fall into place. There will never be anything or anyone you’ll ever love more.”

“How do you know?” It was so strange to see her like this. So vulnerable and unguarded. The last time had been when they couldn’t find Steve after SHIELD had fallen and the helicarriers went down. Fury had told him that she’d lost it, landing the chopper without consent and sprinting off along the river bank, leaving the former director and Sam behind yelling after her. By the time Clint had actually seen her, she’d been following the medics wheeling Steve down the hall. He caught her by the wrist outside of the OR and she’d been trembling, asking him nicely to let her go. And panicked when he refused.

...Clearly he was not the guy for this, but she needed him so he’d try anyway.

He sighed. “You remember Budapest? The night before we were extracted?”

She looked at him and nodded, surprised he’d bring up such an intimate night in their current position.

“Oh calm down.” He chuckled. “Yea plenty of things happened that night, but there was one thing in particular that really showed me who you were. The real you.”

“Are you saying the rest of it wasn’t-”

“Nat,”

“...continue.”

“We were down to my last few arrows, you had two clips left and it didn’t look like we were pretty sure it wasn’t going to end well.” She was quick to interrupt.

“That's what _you_ thought,”

“ _Right_ , right. That's what I thought and I looked at you, expecting some kind of sappy heartfelt moment.” Natasha laughed at his expression. “You glared back at me and said ’Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once.’. And you burst out of there, I was fucking scrambling to cover your ass and we somehow blew up that tank and made it out.”

“Ah Caesar. Nice one.” One last attempt to deflect the sentimentality his words were making her feel.

“My point, Tasha, is that you are one of the strongest people I know. You’re the last one to give up. You're keen, you're determined and when you love, you love hard.”

“Love is for children.”

“Then you're in luck I guess.”

“...what about Steve? What do I do about Steve?” He raised their hands to his mouth and softly kissed the knuckle of her middle finger.

“I think you've already answered that question,” Her stomach felt uneasy hearing that at the same time James decided to stick something into her rib.

“Promise me. We’ll always have these moments. After baby. After everything.” Natasha looked at her best friend. She hoped her eyes conveyed what she was always too much of a coward to say.

_Love you_

“Of course.” He nodded, keeping his eyes on hers. “This is fate, Nat. You’ll see. You were born to do this.”

_Love you too_

Clint sat up when he heard the knock against the door frame.

“Uh, hey guys. Sorry to interrupt but there’s somethin’ you gotta see.” Natasha’s stomach dropped as heard Sam’s footsteps grow faint.

“What now?” Clint wondered aloud. He stood up, holding out his hand for Natasha. She took it, stood up and darted forward, dragging him in the direction Sam had gone. The room they’d walked to had three large screens, each playing a different news stations; all of them playing the same story. Steve stood front and center as he watched and listened quietly, listing every detail he’d been able to think of, including whatever the television broadcast wasn't saying.

  * Attacks on American Soil. 
  * Everywhere; nowhere specific. 
  * No particular targets. 
  * No peculation of any valuables.
  * Each one bigger than the last 
  * Enough destruction to have to bring out the Avengers (whatever's left of them)
  * The accords must have been modified.
  * Creature...no robot... has some sort of...tentacles? 
  * Seems to disappear one way or another; shortly after engaging with Iron Man, Vision, etc.



“ _Steve_!” Natasha said louder, patting his face a few times. “Hey? You with me?” He nodded but didn’t make eye contact. He turned his head slightly to kiss her fingertips. Usually she would have snatched her hand away, neither of them being very big on PDA, but seeing it all had her mind racing and she couldn’t help herself. She knew what he was thinking.

' _Maybe we could just stay here. We don’t have to go back, do we? Tony can handle it. I'm sure he can. What if it's the Red Room? What if they want me? What if they infiltrate and we’re caught in the middle? Or what if we’re arrested? What if they try to take James from us?_ ’ She’d started to sway a bit and her breath became shallow, her mind going wild with different what-ifs and several other irrational thoughts. Steve frowned, her movements having grabbed his full attention, and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He tucked her into him, rubbing both her upper back and the lower swell of her belly.

“What do you think, Steve?” Asked Sam, his eyes wide and glued to the screen.

“They have no idea who’s behind any of it.” Steve stated before the reporter on the television could repeat the exact same thing. His brows furrowed in thought and he began to turn away before spotting the red and gold blur flying across the screen.

 _“This is Kelly Brokora, live in Akron, Ohio! Iron man is falling! He isn’t moving! The monster shut off his suit or something! He’s dropping out of the sky. Oh my god, no!”_ The reporter was covering her mouth so she wouldn’t scream as she watched Tony plummet towards the ground. Somehow he’d fallen to the right and crashed into the large windows of a nearby business building. Steve’s heart was in his throat as he watched him disappear into the glass, Vision zooming in after him. The camera suddenly panned to the right, showing the the robot leaving the fight. It was difficult for the camera to make out being completely surrounded by dust and debris. They didn’t show or say anything else worth watching after that so Natasha shut everything off.

Steve swallowed thickly before slowly letting go of her. He stared ahead for a moment and then left the room without a word.

****************

They found him pacing back and forth, muttering to himself. None of the situation made any sense, that he could see. What he didn’t understand was _why_. It was as if that was the strategy itself: draw out, engage, exert, retreat. They didn’t seem interested in a fight to the death. But _who_ were they in the first place? Steve’s hands were behind his back as he moved, balled up so tightly that his knuckles’ turned white.

“Steve,” Natasha reached for him.

“I should call, shouldn't I?” He asked no one in particular.

“No.” She said firmly.

“But Tony-”

“I know, Steve.” Natasha moved in front of him and he halted, forcing his wild eyes on her. “But trust me on this. You sent the last gesture by giving him a way to contact you. He needs to make the choice to call you. If he needs you, he’s got to come to terms with that himself.”

Steve didn’t say anything. He just sat there staring straight ahead. He was trying to fight himself. Trying to resist the pressing urge to pick up his shield and defend the innocent people caught in the crossfire. Thinking, no, knowing he needed to be there to help. But Natasha was right. Tony hadn’t called them and that had been the agreement.

 _‘I’m not Captain America anymore.’_ Steve reminded himself. It was no longer his job to come running in to save the day. That was up to the Avengers. Still and all, he approached the nightstand on the left and reached inside, pulling out his burner phone. The one that only Tony had the number for. He turned it on and set it on top of the nightstand before seating himself in the armchair in the far left corner of their room, his troubled expression never wavering.

He waited. He waited for hours. Sam and Natasha kept him company every now and then but he wouldn't budge and didn't have much to say.

They were discussing the best way to get him to eat something when Steve’s patience paid off. He heard the shrill ringtone and saw the blue screen light up. He lost his composure for a minute, fighting and unable to grasp the phone to answer. His voice several octaves deeper as he picked up, ignoring the incredulous looks he was being given.

“Hello? Steve Rogers?” But it wasn’t Tony. “This is Pepper Potts.”

“I know who you are, Pepper.” Steve said thoughtfully, a small smile finding its way to his lips. He’d always liked Pepper and it was really nice to hear her voice. “How are you?”

“I’m- I’m well. How are you, Steve?” Her poised, business-savvy tone softened.

“I’m fine. We’re all doing fine. Where is Tony? Is he okay?” He sucked in a deep breath as Pepper hesitated before answering.

“Uh- well...he’s got a concussion and a sprained knee, but they say he’ll be alright.” Pepper heard Steve exhale in relief. “We need you, Steve. Tony needs you. We need you to come back. Tony can’t keep going on like this. He’s- I can’t-” Her breath hitched and his heart went out to her.

“You know we’ll come if you need us.” Steve assured her. “But we’re wanted men, Pepper. We can’t afford to do anything reckless. Nat-”

“I’m going to put F.R.I.D.A.Y. on, okay?” That was the last he heard of her before the AI started to greet him.

“Not to worry. We’ll be sending the quinjet to retrieve all of you. Sir had a cloaking device installed so it will remain undetectable. Sir also has his best lawyers working on everything, but no one will know you are in the country. You won't have to worry about a thing, but it would be wise to stay out of the city. Also, you will not be arriving at Stark Tower, but Sir’s property in Westchester.”

Steve didn’t say anything about the baby. He didn’t know if it was safe and didn’t want to take the chance. She doesn't seem sure either and makes no moves to say anything.

“Coordinates of the pick up location will be sent your way shortly. Will that be all, Captain Rogers?” Asks F.R.I.D.A.Y..

“It's _Steve_ Rogers, F.R.I.D.A.Y.. And yes that will be all, thank you.”

It’s only Steve, Sam, Natasha and Clint who end up being prepared to board the jet, since Clint had asked Laura to take up T’Challa’s offer and stay behind in a residence of their own as a precaution. He didn’t want them uprooted and brought into danger again. Laura had agreed and remained the rock she always did during the family’s tearful goodbye. Natasha was so uncharacteristically devastated about having to leave the them all, that Steve worried she’d be a sobbing mess for most of the thirteen and a half hour flight they had ahead of them.

They weren’t sure if it was best to bring Bucky with them or not, so they’d chosen the latter. Well Natasha had chosen the latter and Steve hadn’t been happy, which he’d had no problem voicing at all.

“Steve, Tasha is right. In what world would James surprising Stark have a good outcome? It would better for us to come when you need us, would it not?” Wanda gazed up at him and challenged his frown with a smile. His arms were folded across his chest, causing his already broad shoulders to look more massive. She knew she probably looked ridiculous with him towering over her, but he hadn’t heard the rest of her news and she couldn't back down now.

“And um...I think it's best I stay here with him. Until you call for us, I mean.” She’d come a long way with her powers in the past months so of course she’d known just how much faith he had in her to help his friend. She also knew that hope had been a private thought of his so she’d kept quiet, but after all Steve had done for her, she felt that it was the least she could do for him.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“No way in hell.”

Both Steve and Clint stood tall. As if they could physically block Wanda from doing what she wanted. Natasha rolled her eyes from behind them. Sam just looked bored.

“I can’t help him if I’m not here!” Wanda argued. “You said that you believed in me. I’m just trying to do what's right.” Steve’s shoulders slacked a little at that, but Clint didn’t seem convinced.

“Wanda,” He started. “I can’t leave you alone. Pietro-”

“Would have wanted her to do the right thing. Stop it. Both of you.” A certain red head was apparently done with the conversation. “She isn’t a child. She can do this. Laura will be here with her. It will be fine.”

“Fine.” Clint sighed after a while. “Stay safe.” He pulled her into a hug and Wanda peaked over his shoulder, giving Natasha a grateful smile.

“We’ll call for you when the time is right.” Steve handed her the phone and hugged her so tight that only her toes touched the ground.

“And you sleep in the house with Laura! There should be zero nights spent anywhere else. I- Hey!” Sam had turned Clint around and started shoving him the other way.

“We gotta go, man. Call her on the plane if you’ve got more to say, jeez.”

Two hours later, they’d successfully located the jet and were greeted with F.R.I.D.A.Y. upon boarding. They were shocked to find that Tony had apparently left things exactly how they’d been before. Clint wandered over to his locker and ran his fingers across the white letters spelling out his last name.

“Looks like Stark hasn’t used this thing in a while.” He brushed the dust off of his two fingers with his thumb. “I wonder…” He reached forward to open the compartment and stepped back quickly so it could fully expand. There it was; his bow and twelve of his arrows. The shiny black metal gleamed back at him and he reached out to touch it, then drew his hand back. His face was priceless as he thread his fingers through his hair (so his arms wouldn't flail around in excitement) and he tried (failed) not to hop around like an idiot.

Steve watched the whole thing without a word, smiling as he heard Sam cracking up behind him. He shook his head before a quiet moan brought attention to his left.

“You alright, Nat?” Steve lifted his hand and rubbed her back. She’d been leaning back and forth repeatedly with a deep scowl for the past forty-five minutes.

“I’m fine.” She said, even as she leaned into his touch. “Just that false labor stuff. My lower back is killing me though.”

“Maybe it's from sitting for so long.” He suggested. She shrugged, deciding that was definitely a possibility and to leave it alone for now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up:
> 
> Tony and Steve meet again.
> 
> And we meet someone new! *wink**wink*


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for any and all the typos!

********************

Natasha gasped, jolted awake at the jet’s abrupt landing. The back pain had only gotten worse throughout the flight and while any other time she would have dealt without complaint, it was especially painful with her movement being as limited as it was. She’d started with barking orders at them all and ended by begging for something- or someone- to just knock her out. Steve had just stared at her like she was crazy, but F.R.I.D.A.Y. had come to her rescue, supplying her with some Benadryl and a bottle of water and she’d passed right out shortly after. Now her back pain had gone from insufferable to tolerable and she felt a lot less like hurting anyone.

The three that were trapped with her on the small aircraft decided that was good for everyone involved.

Steve held out his arm for her and she took it, hoisting herself up.  
“Everything okay?” He asked. Even though he was glancing everywhere _but_ her.

“Nothing I can’t handle.” She replied, leaning her head against his shoulder. He fiddled with her fingers as F.R.I.D.A.Y. gave them clearance to leave the aircraft.

“...Nervous?” Still he refused to look at her.

“I’m never nervous, Steven.” She smirked, patting his shoulder. “You on the other hand...” He sighed heavily as they made their way down the ramp.

“It's just-”

“Look, I’d be nervous too if I were in your position. Don't worry. If he didn’t need us here, he would of called back and told us to screw off.” She squeezed his arm.

“I guess…” He mumbled.

“And besides.” She drew a sharp breath, her back pain returning as she walked. “I’m sure they’ll have plenty of questions regarding other things.” Steve watched her warily, but she just waved him off, plastering a smile on her face as both Pepper and Tony came into view.

“Oh my.” Pepper’s hands shot up to cover her mouth, her eyes wide with shock as she took in Natasha’s belly. Tony’s jaw hit the floor and he turned his back on them, throwing his hands in the air before turning back around with his arms now gesturing towards Natasha...then at Steve...then back at Natasha. His expression was one of both anger and disbelief but it said exactly what he’d needed it to:

_What the actual fuck?_

He would have just said it but he seemed incapable of forming actual words. Instead he made two attempts to walk away from them, only to keep turning right back around again and stalk towards them looking like he wanted to scream. Natasha ignored him completely and went straight to Pepper, who embraced her tightly. Steve stared at Tony for a few minutes until his constant turning started to get on his nerves and he cleared his throat.

“Tony,” he greeted.

“Asshole.” Steve didn’t even flinch, not at all surprised by the genius’ response. “So that’s where we’re at huh? You skip town with your old war buddy, break everyone out of a top level security prison, hide out in who-the-hell-knows Africa and manage to knock up Big Red here?”

“Watch who you’re calling big, Stark.” Natasha growled. “Have your fit but I’ll still knock your ass out.”

“Let's hear it for Captain America, everybody!” Tony clapped his hands together in an obnoxious mock round of applause. “The man who never half-asses a goddamn thing. Jesus Christ you are unbelievable!”

“Remind me why we came back again?” Clint came to stand at Steve’s left side. Sam stood at this right, but didn’t say anything. He hadn’t forgotten the incident with Vision and War Machine. Provoking Stark just didn’t sit right with him.

“I don’t fucking know. I sure as hell didn’t call you-”

“ _Tony_!” Pepper’s shout seemed to snap Tony to attention and he turned to face her. He looked like he still had plenty to say but her glower was enough to send him stalking into the house. Her smile was back in an instant as she gently laid her hands on Natasha’s shoulders, encouraging her to follow.

That's when they actually took a second to take in where exactly it was they were. It was a far cry from the tower. The furthest, actually. Tony was about all things modern and contemporary. This house was far from it. The brick French-style chateau stood tall, stretching at what had to be over six acres of land. On the outside, it looked like a palace; complete with a pool, tennis court, gardens and plenty of other things that Steve was too overwhelmed to try and identify.

“Wow, Pepper. Nice diggs.” Clint looked around, his keen observation skills taking in every detail as he followed them inside.

“Thank you, Clint. It’s my favorite out of all the properties. Mind you, it was _breathtaking_ before Tony got his hands on it. Built in 1879 at about 97,000 feet, it originally had 106 rooms.” She sighed. “You’ll find that there are now only 62 as he modified most of the property back in 2009 to suit his...modern necessities. And then again in 2013 after the Avengers were assembled.”

Pepper stopped in the foyer and picked up a tablet off of the coffee table. Turning to the group, she held out the device.

“I’m going to need each of you to scan your left eyes. With the legalities...and lack their off...surrounding this situation, this will be how the front gate, main entrances and your private quarters will be locked and unlocked.” She handed the tablet to Steve, who held it up to scan his eye before passing it down the line.

“There is a gym, a pool, a library, Tony’s lab of course and a home theater. You’re all free to use any of them at any time of day.” She waved her hand in the air. “It's a very large home so F.R.I.D.A.Y. will be here to help you with whatever you need, right F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

“ _Indeed_ , _Miss_ _Potts_.” The AI answered.

“Great. Your suites are already prepared. If you have any needs at all please don’t hesitate to ask. And lastly,” Pepper took one last deep breath as she relaxed her shoulders and allowed her posture to slouch just a little bit. “I’m sorry for making this seem like you're on some sort of museum tour, but we definitely needed to get all of that out of the way and I felt it would have been rude to have F.R.I.D.A.Y. do all the talking while I just stood there staring at you all. It's _so_ good to see you.”

The tension seemed to dissipate after that and Pepper greeted each of the men with a hug and a kiss. When she got to Natasha, she hugged her before shooting her a knowing look and a small smile. Natasha blushed and looked away, her hand coming up to her stomach.

“We’re having breakfast in the garden tomorrow at 10. Just the two of us. There's obviously a lot to catch up on.” Natasha gave her a tired smile and nodded, squeezing Pepper’s hand before she left the room. “I’ll see you all tomorrow. F.R.I.D.A.Y.?”

 _“Good evening, Miss Potts.”_ The A.I. bid her farewell before greeting the rest of the group. _“Good evening, Mr. Rogers, Ms. Romanoff, Mr. Wilson and Mr. Barton. I hope your flight was acceptable. Now, it is rather late so if you'd like to retire for the evening, I can certainly point in that direction. Sir would like to postpone meeting until everyone else has had the opportunity to recharge.”_

“Where’s the food at, F.R.I.D.A.Y.?” Clint yawned, stretching and folding both arms behind his head as he walked into the kitchen with Sam trailing behind him.

“If they’re hungry, I know you’re starving.” Natasha bumped her hip against Steve’s and chuckled softly when she heard his stomach growl. “Go ahead, Soldier. Nourish that beautiful body of yours.”

He blushed at her praise and looked away.. “Actually, I was thinking maybe I should try and find Tony. Rather deal with whatever may happen now than later. What about you?” He asked. “You should eat.”

“Eh, I’m not very hungry. Kind of nauseous actually. I think I’m going to lay down. Little guy isn't being very nice to my body for all it's doing for him. Are you sure we can’t name him Traitor?”

“Nat…” It really irritated him every time she asked about that stupid name.

“What? Maybe a middle name then?”

“Go take your bath, woman. And be nice to our child.” He said the last part smiling over his shoulder as he made his way down the hallway. She just waved her hand in the air and she walked the opposite way, calling Friday for directions to their room.

 _“Would you like to go to your suite, Miss Romanoff, or would you prefer Mr. Rogers’?”_  
  
“Mine, please.” She answered. _‘And there’d better be a tub in there, Stark.’_

The room was gorgeous; filled with tones of greens, golds and blues from floor to ceiling and completed with most of the original furniture. It reminded her of some of the fancier homes she’d seen back in Russia so long ago. She was very pleased to find that not only did her room have a bathtub, it was one of those large freestanding tubs with brass clawed feet. Sighing, she silently thanked Pepper and ran the bath. Stripping off her clothes, she threw her hair up, sank into the bath, and heaved a contented sigh. She hadn’t been sitting for more than ten seconds before the feeling of having to pee hit her for about the twentieth time that day.

Natasha gripped the sides of the tub and forced herself up. Carefully stepping out one leg at a time, she sat down, did her business and scurried to get herself back into the warm water. She got comfortable and accidentally let out another sigh as her body fully relaxed.

...She should have known better.

“What are you doing in there, Little Boy? _Oh_. Ow!”

Not two minutes later she felt James make what was apparently an evincive move because the pressure that followed literally took her breath away. She groaned inwardly and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds before she couldn't wait any longer. She brought herself up and out of the tub again and sat back down a few minutes later.

About fifteen minutes passed before Natasha’s eyes shot open and she let out a sob. _Again_. Again her bladder was screaming at her that it needed relief. She hadn’t consumed any liquid at all in the last few hours so what was the deal? She blinked her tears away and scoffed at her crying because of endless urination four weeks before her due date. So she braced her hands on each side of the bathtub again. Hoisted herself up, not bothering to go as slow or careful as before, and swung her left leg over. Planting that foot on the ground to bear most of her weight, she leaned to remove her other leg when she let out a surprised squeak and moaned at the feeling of liquid rushing down her thighs and pooling her feet.

‘ _What the hell?_...what the hell!’

Out of all the disgusting and disturbing things she’d experienced so far, she was going to top off the past nine months with pissing on herself? Hell no. She was done with this. _Done_. And why had there been so much? She’d just went thirty minutes ago! Natasha yanked down two of the bath towels, threw them on the wet spot and plopped back into the bath, her mood completely ruined. She should have just gone to bed. How she’d gone from being the Black Widow to...this...was beyond her. Everything was so gross and swollen and-

She gasped as her belly grew hard beneath her fingers. Pain radiated all the way from her front to her back before she was finally able to let out the breath she hadn't realized she’d been holding. Sitting back, she winced at the relief the now-lukewarm water brought her.

‘ _Okay...this is good.’_

She finally allowed herself to think after a half hour. Adjusting the hand towel that she’d rolled up and placed behind her neck, she closed her eyes. The spasming and throbbing in her back were slowly ebbing away. It was more of a chronic ache now but it was somewhat manageable. Her stomach did keep hardening though and that confused her a bit. Her mind drifted to the conversation she’d had with Laura a few weeks ago about labor. It had all been fairly straightforward.

**

“ _So you basically are minding your business one day and you start to feel like crap.” Laura was more than thrilled that Natasha had come to her about this. That didn't mean she found it an enjoyable subject. “After a while you start cramping. Those are contractions in the beginning. And yeah those hurt, but don’t psych yourself out. That's nothing.”_

_“Nothing? Okay so they get worse. Does it take long?”_

_“Sometimes. My first labor was thirty one hours!” Natasha eyes widened in horror. “I know right? And Lila was only about twelve and Nate was seven. So maybe the more you're used to it, the shorter it is?” Natasha had no idea who that question was directed at and she knew it couldn't be her so she just stared. “Right. Well anyway the pain basically goes from bad to fucking awful and you want to kill everyone. Then your water breaks or sometimes it has to be broken-”_

_“What do you mean has to be broken?”_

_“They take this long knitting-needle looking thing-”_

_“Okay no. No.” Natasha got up and walked away, her face white as a sheet. Laura called after her, feigning concern and trying desperately not to laugh._

_**_

Okay not straightforward at all. More like weird and messed up. But she’d gotten the gist of it and read a few books so she decided to just wait it out and try to take a nap. There wasn’t a pattern to the cramping and it was tolerable so maybe the joints in her back would just loosen up or something.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., play Beethoven Symphony No. 6, please, in F Major.”

“ _Certainly, Miss Romanoff. Which part would you prefer?”_

“Andante molto mosso. And enable D.N.D. mode, please.” She needed silence and she knew if the pain persisted that F.R.I.D.A.Y. would be the first one to bug her to tell somebody.

“ _Of course, Miss Romanoff.”_

*******************

It had been a difficult time for Iron Man since he’d faced off with both Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Honestly, all of it was embarrassing. The attacks had been by some third-rate octopus robot thing, the tech light years behind his own. At least that’s how it seemed to the naked eye. He’d been too late in realizing that the robot had apparently calculated he and Visions fighting styles by the second battle. After fourth encounter, he’d had enough. There weren’t many things that Tony Stark didn’t understand and none of this made any sense at all. The battle never came to head. The thing would disappear before they could use the mind stone or the unibeam and there’d be no trace of who was behind it. He needed to figure this out and fast.

He’d poured himself into work, searching for the creator, partner, manufacturer, anything. He needed something. Everything else around him was too much of a reminder. Rhodey, Vision, the tower, he hadn’t been able to handle it on top of the anxiety. It was after the last fight, his head had been killing him from a concussion and he was on his fourth day of little to no sleep, living off of nothing but coffee, donuts and cigars, that Happy made the call. Pepper had come bursting in, her eyes still a bit red from bawling on the ride over, and demanded he put a stop to his behavior. Tony had ended up passing out and she flipped out and by the time he’d woken up, the arrangements to relocate had already been made. He hadn’t seen her in over six months, but she’d been there and he’d never felt more alone so he wasn't going to argue.

“ _Sir?”_

“What do you want, F.R.I.D.A.Y.? I’m busy.”

_“I can see that, Sir. But I’d thought you like to know that-”_

“ _WHAT_? C’mon out with it already!” Tony jumped up from his bench and threw his hands in up in exasperation and turned around, thinking he’d see Pepper. Nope. He’d come face to face with Steve, who was staring at him through the glass door. And who Tony couldn’t seem to look away from.

“ _...That Mr. Rogers is at the laboratory door._ ” Finished F.R.I.D.A.Y., who actually had sounded a little smug.

“Yea, got that.” Tony turned around and walked off. “Let em in.” The door opened and Steve stood there for a moment, as if trying to reassure himself, before stepping inside. He stayed quiet, thrusting his hands in his pockets and glancing around as he followed Tony.

“Hi…” Steve’s usually booming voice sounded small as he spoke.

“Hi? Um, okay. Look I’m not in the mood to go back and forth with you over any of this shit. I’ve got things to do, research to check out. If I’m not upstairs by midnight, Pepper bitches and that’s just not on my list of things I want to deal with today-” He stopped when he’d noticed Steve’s eyes widen and turned around to see what he was looking at.

‘ _Fuck_.’

“ _Tony…_ ” He flinched when he heard his name. Steve was staring at the workbench in the far right corner. On the surface was Bucky’s original metal prosthetic. Above it, between three metal stands sat another one; a new and improved one with a red white and blue star where the red one had been before.

“Now calm down Capsicle. I’m the one that knocked it off in the first place and it didn’t look like anyone else was coming back to get it. I got bored. I needed a project. It's actually pretty interesting, making one of those. I integrated gold nanoparticles covered with ligands into the surface so it can not only touch and be touched but it can feel temperature and other stuff. Completely vibranium, max flexibility, all that and-”

“Tony.” Steve stepped towards him, his blue eyes filled with remorse. “I can’t...that's...I-.”

“Don’t,”

“...I’m _sorry_.”

“Cap…”

“Please don’t call me that. I need everyone to stop _calling_ me that. I’m not Captain America. I’m Steve. _Just_ _Steve_. And I’m so sorry for how thing ended up. I should have known better. I should have known you better.” Tony just sat there silent and flabbergasted. He hadn’t expected any of this. If anything, it was the opposite reaction that he’d prepared for.

“Sometimes I’m blinded by what I think is right. But someone once told me the truth is only a matter of circumstance. You were doing what you felt was necessary. I hope you can understand that I was doing the same.”

Tony could only stare. For once, he had no idea what to say. He was torn. Part of him wanted to cross the room and greet his friend; tell him that all is forgiven. Its the other part that keeps him frozen in place. He’d known that Barnes murdered his parents and he hadn’t said anything. He’d tried to play dumb and that was the worst of it. That he’d been so willing to lie straight to his face about something like that just to save that miserable…

Damn it. This is where this kind of thinking always got him.

Tony could go his entire life hating Barnes and never bat an eye, but the truth of the matter was that the man Hydra had turned him into, this monster, wasn’t him at all. He was a mindless, soulless killer. This new (technically old) person that Steve was defending with every fiber of his being was someone else. He was someone that Steve trusted and loved unconditionally. It wasn’t hard to see that he felt great remorse for his actions.

So he could understand the situation. Did that mean he had to accept it? Absolutely not.

“C- Steve…” He looked up at his friend, his brown eyes glassy with emotion. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve caused more problems than I’ve solved. But that was my intention with these accords! To fix things! I never intended-”

“I know what your intentions were, Tony! You want me to trust your judgement, but you can’t give mine the time of day and now, look! The government was deceived just like we were. How can we allow them to call our shots when they can’t even see what's going on around them, even when it's plain as day?!”

“Didn’t you hear me back in Siberia? I said I was wrong. I called a truce! I came to you when you needed me. But you, Rogers? You fucking lied to me. Straight to my face. For God knows how long. About my...my” Tony looked away then. There would probably never be a day where he’d be comfortable with this conversation. Steve stared at the ground feeling guilty and ashamed, his posture sagging from the invisible burden.

“I was wrong for that. I should have told you.

"That's great that you realize that now..." Sarcasm.

“Bucky was all I had for a long time. I couldn't just...”

“You couldn’t just what?

“There wasn’t time to think. It was all happening so fast-”

“Barnes was _not_ all that you had, Steve!” Tony said, angrily. “See that's what I don’t get. I can't wrap my mind around that notion for the life of me. How could you possibly have looked at your life and felt that way?”

“Well now it does seem kind of silly to think that way. With everything...the way it is now.” Steve gave a small smile as he thought of Natasha and their little boy. “But that definitely wasn’t part of the plan either.”

“Clearly.” Tony deadpanned. Tony turned back to his work station and they both sat there in silence. Steve didn’t know where to go with any of it. There were too many things needing to be discussed and tension so thick he could have sliced through it. He could see, however, that there was something he wasn’t saying. Something he that was bothering him just as much, if not more. He just didn’t know how to ask.

"Fuck, you think too loud Rogers." Tony let out a sigh and proceeded to remove two more screws from whatever he was working on before he spoke again. "My dad...that was the world he chose to put first. Before all of us. He was in for life and he was in deep. But my mom? She was...she was one of the good ones. So yeah, I'm mad at Barnes. Of course I'm mad at Barnes, but-" Tony looks at the vintage award on his wall bearing his father’s name. "Damn him for dragging her down with him. He should have protected her. He shouldn't have even let her in the damn car! Barnes had no free will, but Howard..."

Steve felt his heart ache at that. He knew that feeling. He’d felt that feeling. When his own mother had been stolen from him. There hadn’t been anyone to physically take her from him though. He’d only had God to blame. Easily one of the darkest times of his life. He had been angry and so desperate to know why it always seemed to be good people that suffered the most. Tony resented Howard for enough as it was, so Steve could only imagine the agony he was feeling now.

“Tony…” He took a step forward, but stopped when he noticed the billionaire’s body visibly stiffen. They’d clearly reached the end of the conversation.

“...I did miss you, Tony.” Steve mumbled. It was quiet, but he’d said it in earnest, his eyes never wavering. Stark flinched but he didn’t look away. This was someone important to him. They were friends before. Did these words fix everything? No way in hell. But it was something. _Something_ to give him hope. Maybe they could get through this. Maybe they would.

“Alright well…” The brunette ran his fingers through his hair. “This has been lovely, but I’ve got a girl upstairs willing to give me one last shot and I can't fuck it up.” Steve nodded. He didn’t particularly like leaving things this way but he knew that there would be much more to talk about later anyway. He stood up straight before saying goodnight and heading back upstairs.

He figured the world-renowned genius must have forgotten about his enhanced hearing when he heard a faint “missed you too, Cap” before the door closed.

**************

Natasha had woken up more stiff and sore than she was when she’d first gotten in the tub. She’d only fallen asleep in the water for about an hour before she’d decidedly had enough and made her way from the bathroom. She gotten as far as the door before clutching the frame and keeling over. The twisting ache in her lower back was quickly taking over and she launched herself at the bed before it spread completely. Clutching the comforter and sinking down to her knees, she made a mental note to let Stark know they needed to find chiropractor who made house calls ASAP.

“Nat! Are you okay? Are you having the baby?” Steve all but shouted and he rushed to her side. She shook her head. “Is it your back?” She nodded. He brought his hands to the small of her back and put as much pressure on each side as she could take. Natasha let out a low-pitched wail and begged him not to stop as she rocked her body through the pain. Finally, he saw her back and shoulders relax a bit and sighed with relief when he heard her exhale.

“You sure you don’t want me to call anyone?” Asked Steve.

“No, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm going to talk to Pepper in the morning about seeing a doctor for the pain. Not much else we can do.” He helped her up and into her flowy nightgown before lifting her into bed.

“You're not worried?” Because she seemed a little worried to him .

“No, Rogers.” She rolled her eyes as she tried to get comfortable. “We’ve got a few weeks left. It’ll be fine.” He eyed her skeptically but laid down beside her without a word and turned off the light. She laid there in the dark, no longer sure who she was trying to convince out of the two of them..

****************

Natasha didn’t consider herself a naive person. In fact, no one did. She was never easily fooled and always listened to her instincts. If something seemed too good to be true, then it usually was. She’d always taken pride in her ability to be prepared; to always do her research and to know what to expect in every situation.

Unfortunately, she’d been lacking when it came to laying her groundwork on one subject in particular.

It was 2:30 in the morning when she woke suddenly, eyes darting around the room. James shifted and she felt the damp fabric of her nightgown rub uncomfortably against her belly. Her skin felt tight and hard to the touch.

‘ _What…_ ’

Her furrowed brow rose suddenly as her brain caught up with with the rest of her and she felt excruciating pain vibrate throughout her entire body. It had been pretty bad before but now it was nearing unbearable. It wasn’t worse than getting shot through the hip, but it was damn close. She held her breath as the tightening and cramping reached its peak. She wasn't sure how, but she managed to talk herself through it and almost sobbed when the pain finally abated.

‘ _Okay_ ,’ she thought, exhaling slowly. ‘ _Okay you can do this. Just change your clothes, and wait it out. There’s time-_ ’ She clenched her teeth as the now familiar ache start to build again. ‘ _Oh shit. Oh shit!_ Oh no!’ She sat up, opened her mouth in a silent scream and fanned her hands through the air (as if that were helping somehow) before clenching them into tight fists. That was it. These were contractions. This was labor. She’d accepted it.

With her acceptance came the series of ear-piercing shrieks that startled Steve awake. Who, in his haste, managed to tangle himself in the sheets and fall to the floor. He was eerily silent, though, as he stood back up and took in his surroundings. That hard expression faltered when his gaze landed on her. Her entire body was flushed, her hair a tousled mess, pajamas soaked. His eyes seemed to bug out of his head as he was finally hit with realization, but he shook his head and cleared his throat.

“Nat...is it happening?” No answer. “Oh God, alright. It’s okay. We’re just gonna grab the bag and I’ll have Tony call Bruce.” Her eyes were wild as she stared at him, silently cursing him for always being so calm and asking such stupid,  _stupid_ questions. “It's going to be fine, Love.” His voice was soft and gentle.

She didn’t like it.

“ _Oh_ , _is_ _it_?” She hadn’t meant to scream at him. Or maybe she had. At this point, she wasn’t sure about anything anymore. Steve rushed to her side of the bed and started to reach out, only to pull back. He wasn't exactly sure what she needed from him and it was intimidating when the mother of your child was able to kill you five different ways without even standing. The contraction finally ended and her screams turned into loud gasps.

“Goddamn you...Rogers! You- you and your...giant-ass....b-baby...Aagh!” Natasha sat there, nostrils flared, mouth open, death glare in full swing. She was shaking, still in shock from the pain, but Steve didn’t take the bait. _Of_ _course_ he didn’t. He still looked as cool and calculated as ever while he slipped on her robe and placed a firm grip on both of her arms before gently pulling her out of bed. Her feet had barely touched the floor before her breathing sped up and she froze in place.

“No, no, no! I can’t move! I can’t! Don’t move me! Oh my god. Oh _my_ _god_! _Steve_!”

“Nat, we have to go! We need to-” Her screams became even louder (if that was at all possible...the ringing in Steve’s ears made him unsure) before she cut herself off suddenly, replacing it with a heavy grunting noise as she wrapped her small hands around his biceps and squeezed.

“What- Natasha, stop! What are you doing?” Shit. Well, now Steve was freaking the hell out. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to go. They were supposed to get to the hospital, give her a little something for the pain. Back in his day, men weren’t really in the room during that sorta thing so he’d probably be-

“What the fuck does it look like, you idiot?!” She managed to grind out before she finally exhaled. “I- I’m trying not to but I can’t stop!” There was so much pressure. The burning sensation was blinding but the pressure itself was so intense, she swore her legs would have given out if he hadn't been holding onto her.

“I’m sorry, Love. I know it hurts. Just breathe. That's it. That's perfect.” He hoped she didn't hear the slight tremor in his voice. “C’mon, baby we need to-”

“Shut up, _shut_ _up_!” She screeched. “I don’t...I don’t think...Steve, you need to look.”

“Look at what?”

“You need to look and see if it’s coming ou-” She couldn’t even finish her sentence before she took another deep breath, stood right there at the edge of the bed and bore down as Steve held her up. She had absolutely no idea what she was doing. Only what her body seemed to be telling her to do.

Steve on the other hand, had turned almost translucent. He wanted to raise the white flag right there and then. Tell everyone he’d tapped out; met his match. He’d handled plenty in his long life. Blood and gore? Sure. A five hundred foot drop? Fine. Death? He’d done it before; he could do it again. He’d even started to understand how some fellas just swung the other way all together. Sure being intimate with a lady, especially the one in front of him, was- well it was _wonderful_. But this?This was where he drew the line. Or he would have drawn it, but being honest with himself, he knew he’d never actually leave her side.

And she seemed likely to snap his neck if he tried to take even a step away from her now, so yeah...

‘ _Get it together, Rogers. Don’t be a co-’_

“-a fucking coward and you look! Aaaah!” She glared before pushing off of him and leaning against the bed. Against his better judgement, he came down on one knee and lifted her nightgown. He could see the very top of the baby’s head and it was _covered_ in thick hair. He was suddenly feeling with such a furious intensity, he shocked even himself and he felt a lump form in his throat. What had terrified him moments before had just caused him so much raw emotion, he had to take another deep breath to steady his shaking hands. As she braced herself once more and began to push, he suddenly realized how hard she was having to work just to get the baby to budge so very little and any uncertainty he’d had quickly dissipated.

For a very brief moment he was completely dazed, the last five years flashing through his mind. He remembered the first time he laid eyes on her, she’d been so beautiful. Mysterious, seductive and confident like always. He thought of everything they'd been through since then. From the falling of SHIELD to Ultron. When they stood together in Sakovia, watching the city crumble around them and she’d basically told him then that she wouldn't leave him; that they’d go together. There were worst ways to go, she’d said. And he’d stared at her, thinking that it was probably the last time he’d ever get to really take note of how amazing this woman was. He’d had so many regrets at that moment, thinking it had been the end, but here they were, together. And her beautiful, powerful body was working hard to deliver their baby boy. He looked at her now, deep concentration etched into her features. She was amazing. She was everything.

“You’re almost there, Nat! You're so close. I can see his head! There’s so much hair!” Steve exclaimed as he stood back up and tried to cradle her against his chest. She’d pushed him back, the pain making her hypersensitive to touch, but he still stayed put.

They only had about a minute or so before the next contraction, but she’d take what she could. As much as she wanted to express her disdain for him at the moment, she also couldn’t stop thinking about everything else she’d been feeling for him. Even though she’d never been shy about her uneasiness when it came to motherhood, he never responded with anything but encouragement. He was nothing short of incredible;so strong and confident. Moreso in the people he loved than in himself. This man was the father of her son.

‘ _How lucky you are, Malyutka.’_ She thought quickly, before the pain crept up her spine once again.

_'Never again, though.’_

She shouted, grasping Steve as hard as could while she pushed again. Her eyes shot opened and she gasped, her knees almost buckling. Steve caught her, keeping her standing and rucked her nightgown back up so he could see.

“Oh God! He’s coming right now!”

“ _Right_ _now_?”

“Right now! Right now! Oh God! _Get him_ , _Steve_! Get hi-” Natasha let out a loud wail and shuddered as she squatted down and he followed.

“Keep going...his shoulders,” Steve gently grabbed her wrists and placed her hands on his shoulders to keep her upright. He needed both hands as she pushed one last time and he watched the baby leave her body.

Her legs finally gave out and she dropped down onto her bottom, fighting to catch her breath and keep her eyes open. It was the powerful squall coming from the towel Steve had cradled in his arms that snapped her to attention. She’d never forget the look on his face. All six foot, two-hundred and forty pounds of him, completely smitten by something barely bigger than even one of his hands.

“Natasha,” Steve whispered. His eyes were wide and glassy and he was smiling. It was most happy she’d ever seen him. “He’s so beautiful. The most perfect thing I’ve ever laid eyes on, Tash.”

“Lemme see ‘em.” She was too tired to lift her arms and seemed to be slurring her words, but she’d chalk that up to shoving an entire human out of her insides less than four minutes ago. He scooted closer and leaned in, moving the towel out of the way so she could all of him.

“Oh. James…” He was perfect. A mini Steve Rogers. An exact replica really. With his hair dry, the color had lightened to a dirty blonde and there was tons of it. She took in the rest of his face. Steve’s lips, Steve’s jawline, Steve’s chin, Steve’s cheekbones and-

Tiny cerulean eyes framed by long dark lashes were barely open, but staring right back at her.

“Good Lord. I let you use me as a vessel for almost a year and you come into the world looking like a miniature soldier. I know you’re not a fan of the Traitor name Rogers, but I gotta tell ya...I’m tempted.” A small smile graced her lips as she closed her eyes and let her head fall back. He was here. Sure, the entire experience had been completely insane and earlier than expected, but she’d done it. James seemed healthy and he certainly wasn't lacking in size.

The relief left as quickly as it came.

And there it was again, reality looming over their heads; chugging towards them like a freight train and slamming her in the chest. He was precious, adorable; perfect in every way. But it was a very real fact that he was helpless and what could be done if the world needed them all to assemble again? What would happen to him? Just having her as his mother made him a potential target to anyone or anything, especially since they'd come back to the United States. Him being the son of the Black Widow and Captain America obviously being the biggest deal, doctors had been 96% sure that his father’s serum was coursing through his veins, making him the only other person in the world to possess the authentic formula.

Besides those things and so many others, there was the overwhelmingly long list of things that could take him from her without anyone doing anything at all. She’d read about Sudden Infant Death syndrome amongst other things. Anything could happen to him and the idea that she couldn’t save him, that something could hurt or kill him so effortlessly made her sick. She felt so _sorry_. So incredibly, unbelievably sorry for all the horrible things she’d exposed him to just by giving him _life_. Her stomach dropped and her joy flitted away, clouded by guilt and shame as a number of dark realizations continued to unfold.

“Nat,” She heard Steve call for her, but his voice sounded muffled and she couldn’t get her eyes to focus. “Natasha. Look at me. Open your eyes. -F.R.I.D.A.Y.!"

_"Yes Mr. Rogers."_

"Where have you been?"

_"My apologies, Mr. Rogers. Miss Romanoff placed her quarters on do not disturb."_

_'God damn it, Nat!'_  The woman was too damn stubborn for her own good.

"Get Clint! Or Tony! We need a doctor right now!” Steve couldn’t get up. James’ cord hadn’t been cut, leaving the baby still very much attached to his mother and he didn’t think it was safe to set a naked newborn, who had yet to receive medical attention, on a dirty floor. Steve cradled his now screaming son in one arm, holding Natasha tight in the other.

“ ‘M Sorry James.” She mumbled.

“Hold on, Baby. Oh, Damn it all to hell.” She was barely breathing and there was blood everywhere. “Jesus...Stay with me, Natasha. Stay with us. We need you, Nat! C’mon!” He voice broke as he shouted at her, desperate to keep her awake and alert.

She could hear the echoes of both James’ cries and Steve’s panicked shouts. She wanted to know what was wrong, but she just couldn’t move or say anything. All of her senses were failing her. Her vision faded in and out one last time before she heard a loud crash and she was surrounded by other voices. They were shouting too. Who were they? Clint? Tony?

“NATASHA!” She heard Steve scream her name one last time before everything faded to black.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the struggle really begins....
> 
> Оставь его! Не трогайте его! Нет:  
> Leave him alone! Do not touch him! No
> 
> Не волнуйтесь, моя дорогая:  
> "Do not worry, my dear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh! It's really been forever and I'm sorry about that. I hope you'll all still stick with me. I have no intentions if giving up on this story and the next chapter's going to be lengthy as well! Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Bear with me ya'll! I know theres typos but i really wanted to post so I'll more than likely be fixing those through out the night.
> 
> And one last thing I wanted to say is that I am never by any means insulting formula feeding moms over nursing moms. Every womens feelings on that is personal. I have no qualms with either. Just wanted to get that out there.

“ _You have done well, Widow.”_

  
_She knew that voice._

  
_Natasha’s eyes shot open, slowly turning her head in that direction. Ivan. God damnit, that man never seemed to stay dead. His mouth was curled into a twisted smile as he looked down at the- what was that in his arms? The bundle of blankets he was holding started squirming and sniffling._

  
_“You have given us the key. We’ve got the serum in our hands now. They will be nothing to stop us now.” She froze, the blood draining from her face. James. That was James! Ivan had her baby!_

  
_“What? No. NO!” She tried to get up; tried to lunge at the son of a bitch, but the thick leather straps around her wrists and ankles kept her pinned to the bed. “Give him back to me! Оставь его! Не трогайте его! Нет!” She thrashed around helplessly. The louder she screamed, the stronger James wails became. She couldn’t take it. She couldn’t save him. They had him. What had she done?_

  
_“Не волнуйтесь, моя дорогая. We will raise him as our own. The greatest weapon that the world has ever seen!” Ivan cackled as he turned to walk away._

_Natasha could only scream_.

  
“Natasha!”

  
The left side of her face was stinging.

  
“Can you hear me? _Natalia_!” Suddenly, she was opening her eyes again and gasping for air.

“Hey. It's okay. It was a nightmare. You’re safe. I’m here.” Clint. Clint was there. No Ivan; no Red Room. It was a dream.

  
“I...I…”

  
“Shhh no, you’re fine, Babe. It's all fine. You’re in the infirmary at the tower. You’re going to okay. James is great. Everything is okay. I...kind of had to slap you though. Sorry.” He winced at that.

  
_James_

  
“What happened?” She asked quietly, still fighting to catch her breath. “Where is he?”

  
He snorted. “Oh God, it was a fuckin’ shit show, lemme tell ya. Baby boy Rogers is with his daddy. The stubborn asshole refuses to let anyone hold him except this one nurse. And _she_ couldn't get rid of Steve if her life depended on it.”

  
“What do you mean?” Natasha frowned. “You said nothing was wrong.”

  
“Because there _isn’t_ anything wrong, but Steve has been terrified this entire time and he really took to James’ nurse. She’s a bossy lady but she takes charge and tells him what to do. I think with all his worrying about you, having her around grounds him a bit.”

  
_‘Like his mother probably would have.’ The thought pained her._

  
“Is he...has _he_ been okay?” She knew the answer, despite her asking.

  
“Steve? Ah...he’ll be alright. Once he sees that you're doing better, he’ll calm down a bit. Shit I need to let the others know you're up.” Clint checked his pockets for his phone.

  
“Fine.” She cleared her throat. “But I’d like a recap of what happened, if you don't mind."  
He nodded. “Figured you would.”

  
*****************

  
_**Eight Hours Earlier….** _

  
_Clint burst into the room, stopping for only a second when he caught sight of Natasha. He lurched forward when Tony, who'd been right on his heels, accidentally crashed into him and rushed to her side, barking at Steve to tell him what happened. Then he noticed what lie in Steve’s arms and he sort of lost the ability to speak for a moment._

_  
“Oh. Fuck.” His eyes were wide as he ran a hand over his face._

  
_"Shit. Shit! Oh my-" Tony staggered back, taking in all of the blood and the screaming baby in Steve's arms. "What is happening? What am I looking at? Did you give birth to Little Red on my floor? Is Red okay? Fuck. What the fuck. F.R.I.D.A.Y.! BRUCE! Where the fuck is-"_  


_"Move!" Bruce rushed past Tony, Pepper and Sam in tow helping him with equipment. The Doctor had only arrived a few hours ago and he hadn’t even known Natasha was in the country, let alone pregnant. Honestly he'd been more shocked that she was even pregnant at all, since he'd been under the impression that she unable. But once he'd heard that it was Steve who'd done it, he was intrigued more than anything. Clint was shouting at Natasha now, her breaths shallow and her skin so pale he could see every vein in her face. Bruce dropped to his knees and shoved the archer out of the way. He snatched the clamp and umbilical scissors from Pepper and cut the cord. He didn’t bother to ask Steve if he wanted the honor. There wasn’t any time to spare. Natasha was fading fast._

__  
“Tony, we need to get her to a hospital!” Bruce spoke evenly but firm. “She’s lost a lot of blood.” He wasn’t panicked by any means. He always kept a level head when it came to his work.  


_“We can’t! It’s too risky!” Tony ran a hand through his hair. “The tower! We can go to the tower. F.R.I.D.A.Y., prep the quinjet! Come on, Steve. Steve?”_

_  
Steve couldn’t really hear any of them anymore, his eyes moving from Natasha’s limp form to their squealing son. He was in shock. This was all too much. What if she died? How was he supposed to do this without her? He didn’t know what to do. What could he do?_

__  
"Steve!" Tony yelled. The soldier's eyes focused to find large brown ones staring back from about four inches away. "Get up! Banner's cut the cord and they've carried Nat out. We need to get Little Red checked out too. C'mon buddy." Tony's voice was surprisingly gentle and Steve responded right away. He stood up slowly, Tony hands never leaving his arm.  


_"S-sorry." Steve mumbled. His hands were shaking and he was a little out of it, but he had to focus. James needed him. Natasha needed him. He couldn't afford to break right now. Tony watched him go for a moment before following. He could tell something was off, but now wasn't the time._

_  
"It'll be fine. She's pulled through worse." Tony offered, looking straight ahead as they both headed after their friends. “We have to hurry.” Steve strides grew larger, but he was afraid to run with the cargo he carried._

__  
"Yeah. Yeah." Steve still had that strange far-away look in his eye, but he glanced down at still screaming baby and gave a small smile. "It's not 'Little Red' by the way."  


_"What? Oh sorry I-"_

_"It's a boy. He's a boy."_

_"Really? A mini-cap? Well I'll be damned Rogers._ _I meant what I said before. You don't half-ass a_ damn _thing."_

\-----------

 

"You were hemorrhaging. We couldn't risk going to a hospital so we had to fly you to the tower. It was a close one, Nat. You needed a transfusion." Clint looked shaken. He had dark circles under his eyes, always a sign that he hadn’t slept at all. Well that and the three empty coffee cups sitting behind him.

"How did you guys manage to do all that in time?" She asked. Clearly Natasha was stalling. She was never one to pry for details on _how_ her life was saved.

"We almost didn't. Steve demanded Banner draw his blood on the way over. He's the reason you got the transfusion in time. He saved you."

  
\----------

  
_It was all happening so fast. Everyone was scrambling, James had been screaming and Tony had tugged him along until they'd boarded with the others. Steve felt so close to losing it. When he’d finally gotten James to quiet down, he’d felt the overwhelming urge to cry himself. He didn’t, though. She needed his strength more than anything else._

__  
“Good to go?” Tony shouted behind him, before yelling at F.R.I.D.A.Y. to get them to the tower. Clint had place Natasha on the gurney as Bruce all but shoved him out of the way. He hooked her up to a few machines, cursing when they started beeping immediately.  


_“We’re losing her. Damnit. She’s lost too much blood. I- I don’t know if we’ll make it in time.” He stood up and turned, running his fingers through his hair back and sighing. ‘Stay calm.’ The doctor told himself._

__  
“Put the fucking jet in stealth mode then. I don’t give a damn, Nat’s not dying here today! That baby needs her!” Clint slammed his hand against the wall in frustration and Steve snapped out of his fear and stood then. Clutching James in one arm, he held out the other to Bruce.  


_“Take my blood.” He was suggesting it to Bruce, he was telling him.  
_

_“Steve…” Bruce said slowly, somewhat surprised at the offer. “That's...it would be a lot of blood.”  
_

_“You know I’m the only one that can survive it. And even if I couldn't, it wouldn't matter. We can't lose her. Do what you have to and do it fast!” He sat back and watched Bruce prepare the needle.  
_

_“Do you want me to take him for a minute, Steve?” Offered Pepper. She’d been reaching for the baby when Steve yanked him away. His alarm quickly turned into guilt when he noticed the hurt expression on her face.  
_

_“I’m sorry, Pepper. I just...Nat hasn’t even touched him yet...I-”  
_

_“I understand completely.” Pepper smiled and nodded, rubbing Steve’s back for a moment before stepping away. “If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to let me know._ Please _, Steve.”  
_

_He nodded at her and everyone else, so grateful to have them all together then. He wasn't sure how he’d survive it otherwise. With one arm extended as his blood was being drawn, he lightly squeezed his boy with the other. James seemed to be doing fine and it was a good thing too because he couldn't bring his eyes to leave her face. She looked so pale and fragile._

__  
“Natasha. I'm going to make it okay, Love. Just hold on. I promise.” His eyes were red and stinging with effort to keep himself together. He could feel all of their eyes on him, but he didn't care. “Please. I can't...do this without you. We need you Nat. He needs his mom.”  
Tony slowly brought a hand up and squeezed his shoulder. The taller man turned to his friend, but it was as if he was looking through him, not at him. His face looked drained and his eyes were lost in worry. “I need her, Tony.” He said quietly.

_  
“I know.”_

_  
And the wall they'd built between them fell a little further._

_  
**************_

  
Great. Her list of debts she owed to that man was getting longer by the damn day.

"Rogers, always the gentlemen." She said quietly. "How long have I been out?"

"Bout eight hours." Clint was looking at her seriously now. "Don't ya wanna see 'em? Little bastard looks just like his dad."

The door suddenly swung open and Steve came barreling in, his arms full and a very petite woman, with long dark hair, brown eyes and dressed in scrubs, right behind him shoving him into the room. He looked agitated and uncomfortable, but then he saw Natasha and his eyes shined as he said her name with relief.

"This baby needs to nurse right now." She looked at Natasha, who just stared right back at her. "Anyone who's uncomfortable with that, get out now. I know you’re probably confused, but please don’t panic." The nurse didn't wait for an answer as she grabbed for her hospital gown, yanking the snaps apart at the top to reveal her breasts.

Clint shrugged. "Nothing I haven't seen before." Steve gave him an irritated look as the nurse took James. "I meant the breastfeeding part..." More staring. "Besides, nursing boobs aren't the same."

This earned a look of surprise from Steve. "They aren't?" He glanced at Natasha's chest.

"Clint..." Natasha trying her hardest to count to ten.

"Well...preference, Rogers." Clint should've quit while he was ahead.

"Are you both serious? I said if you couldn't handle it, _get_ _out_! Steve?" The nurse, whose name was Jody, snarled at them both. He shook his head widly and she let out a "hmph" before turning back to Natasha. The new mother still sat there with a blank look on her face as Jody grabbed her right breast, cradling James at the same time, and brought him to her nipple. "Now, it's hard for some babies to latch on at first, especially when they're a little early, but- oh."

  
James did not have this problem.

He was sniffling and alert as soon as his nose touched his mother's chest, opening his mouth right up and suckling like his life depended on it. It's a good thing the little guy didn't have any teeth.

"There now, you see? He came out ready!" Jody laughed, before gently moving his mother's arm so that she could hold her baby to her. Poor Natasha looked terrified. The calm meeting she had imagined for them both had obviously been thrown out the window and she was in shock. She had never even held a baby this small. Sure, she'd been around all of Barton's children, but had adamantly refused to hold them when they were so new, afraid she'd drop one of them...or whatever else there was to be afraid of when it came to that tiny of a human.

  
She blinked as she heard James' sigh and watched his little body relax into her. He was so small. A bit bigger than an average baby at thirty-six weeks gestation, but still so tiny. He was dressed in a light blue and white striped sleeper and a head full of dark blonde hair that stuck straight up. His little fist was curled up against his cheek and he looked as satisfied as could be.

"He's- I think he's been waiting for you. This is the most quiet he's been since he was born." Natasha looked up from the baby to find Steve standing over her and he was absolutely radiant. She didn't see Clint anymore though. He probably left for more coffee. Suddenly she being lifted and moved just a bit. The bed dipped as Steve somehow fit himself in next to her. "I'm so glad you're okay, Natasha, but I'm sorry we weren't here when you opened your eyes."

"Don't apologize for that. You were right where you need to be." She brought the blanket down from his face a bit more. Steve nuzzled his nose into her hair before he looked down at the third person in the room.

"I'm sure you remember, but...this is James Clinton Rogers. He was nine pounds and one ounce. Twenty three inches long. He had one of those little hats on, but his hair kept making it come right off..." He brushed his fingers through his son's hair. "You did amazing, Nat." He brought his hand to her face while he kissed her forehead.

  
"He's a little you." She whispered. Steve went to smile at her, but found her frowning. "Did they run any tests? Everything looks alright with him?" Bringing her other arm along the baby's back, she held him closer to her. He could tell she wasn't angry, but she looked...confused? Conflicted. She was struggling with something, whatever it was.

"Everything came back fine. He- uh- he does have the serum in his blood, but for now, his sight and hearing tests came back average for most children." She gave him a look, silently asking what that meant for their son and he sighed. "I'm told that we'll just have to tackle each obstacle when we get to it, Nat. He's happy, he's healthy; let's try not worry for now. How are you feeling?”

  
“Steve…”

  
“Hmm?”

  
“Thank you...for saving my life. Again.”

  
He shook his head. “Thank you. Thank you for this new life you've given me.” He wrapped his arm around them both and rested his cheek against her head.

  
She was quiet as she lifted the baby from her breast and switched him to the other. She'd felt it as soon as they'd touched, but it was confusing. Was it supposed to feel like this? Weren't there supposed to be tears and overwhelming joy when meeting your baby for the first time? Later, she’d realize this was one of the first signs for her. A sign that something was off. She felt the love. Boy, did she ever. This child had left her body and taken her heart right along with it before she'd had a chance to even realize it. She also felt protective. Almost in a desperate sort of way. She knew, in that moment, that if something ever happened to him, she wouldn't make it. She'd die without him.That feeling terrified her. What if she was something that he needed protection from?

  
***************

  
In the first few weeks of his life, James Clinton Rogers had already proved himself to be every bit the son of Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanov. He’d been able to lift his head the same day he was born, he was grasping fingers so tight that he could cut off circulation and it seemed he’d mastered Steve’s famous blue-eyed pout in a matter of days. It was actually very fascinating to watch how quickly his mind caught on, despite being so tiny and brand new. He fussed for three reasons only: when he was wet, when he was hungry (which was often) and whenever he was left alone and the room was silent. He hated the quiet, it seemed, and they weren’t sure why, but they'd started playing classical music whenever he was asleep to keep him that way.

  
He liked to sleep all day and be wide awake at night, which meant that Natasha never slept herself. She couldn’t. She refused to leave him in his crib, panicking the one time she found him in there and explaining to Pepper the dangers of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  
“And it just happens.” She’d said. “They just stop breathing for no reason and there’s nothing you can do. They don’t have any idea why it happens, Steve!”

  
“Natasha...don’t you think his chances of life are a bit more secure given his, uh, enhancements?” Asked Sam. She’d spun around and awarded him with a dirty look.

“So I should just take that chance?” Steve ran his hand over his face and shook his head, cradling his boy in his arms.

_  
‘I swear to God, Sam...’_

  
Then Steve tried to compromise by suggesting they bring the baby into the bed with them, telling her that plenty of women did it in his day. He’d also done some reading and found that, while it wasn’t a scientific fact, co-sleeping could possibly reduce an infant's chances of suffering from SIDS. She’d thought about it. It sounded tempting, it really did, but when she looked down at her beautiful sleeping boy, she was suddenly struck by an awful visual of she or Steve rolling on top of his tiny body.

  
“But what if we _crushed_ him?” She blurted, her eyes wide and glassy. “What if one of us rolled over on him? I can’t. I can’t do it.” She walked out of the room.

  
“....Nat,” He sighed and continued gently patting James bottom, whose face was snuggled into his father’s neck. Dressed in red, white and blue pajamas and his blonde hair still sticking straight up no matter what they did, he still looked like a miniature version of his father. Steve felt the small bursts of air and rubbing against his skin as the infant squirmed and sniffled, frustrated there wasn’t anything fitting into his mouth that he could eat. Never one to give up, James lurched forward again. Successfully latching himself to Steve’s neck, he began to suck lightly.

  
“Hey, hey Sweetheart.” He chuckled. “That’s not food. Let’s find your Mommy.”

  
Finally, when the lack of sleep started catching up to her, Steve had started finding Natasha in the upholstered glider Pepper purchased for them every night. Their son would be clutched to her chest as she slept lightly, stirring immediately at every movement or cry. Even asleep she wouldn’t dare let him go. It didn’t make sense to fight her because she was the one feeding the baby and it was never wise to surprise her so he decided to move the chair to their bedroom. He’d watch them both throughout the night, James staring up at his mom whether she was awake or asleep. He did that, always observing his surroundings if he didn't have needs to be met. Quiet and calculating, the tactician in him had shown through at only a few days old. He’d be a tough toddler, that was for sure.

  
Today she must have been exhausted, because she was already asleep in the chair and he was pretty sure she'd only sat down to be upset for a few minutes. Even James’ cries weren't waking her, which had never happened before. Thinking himself to be helpful (and really he was doing a wonderful job), Steve wandered off and taken him a few rooms over to calm him down.

"I think she's sleepin', Bud. Here, Daddy's got somethin' for ya." He made his way to the kitchen to get the bottle that she’d pumped for him earlier. His intentions had been for her to get some more sleep.

  
She’d woken up an hour later screaming his name and jumping up so fast, that she stumbled a little.

  
“ _Steve_! What- you can’t just _take_ him! I didn’t know where he was! What if something had happened to him?” She’d found him in the kitchen staring at her, her voice startling the baby as well. His little body jumped in surprised before he let go of the silicon nipple with a small pop and wailed.

  
“ _Nat_ …” Steve hissed. “Calm _down_.”

  
“ _Excuse_ me?” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared.

  
“I said, _calm_ _down_.” He frowned, challenging her. “I understand you were worried, but he’s fine and you've seen that. You’re overreacting. I’m not going to ask you if I can pick up our son, Natasha, and I’m hoping that you'll agree with that.”

  
She blinked at him, surprised to have received such a direct response. Before and with anything else, she would have fought him. She would have driven him into the ground whatever way she could. Now? Now they were parents. Not just her. Not just _them_. Steve was right.

  
“I...I’m sorry.” She said quietly. “You’re right. I- I can’t help it. It's like- he’s so little. Everything is a danger to him, Steve. I feel so _crazy_ all the time. Like if I even let him out of my sight, something will happen….” Her eyes watered as she tried explain. Steve quickly made his way over, using his free arm to embrace her.

  
“It’s going to be okay, Love.” He would text Bruce later and ask if there was any way to help. There had to be. He wasn’t sure what they would do if there wasn’t.

  
**************

  
Despite their new living space, things had started to seem incredibly normal. More members of the team had shown up when they’d returned home and honestly, it felt great to see them all. Vision had arrived from his mission in Saudi Arabia, greeting them with the calmness and manners they’d grown accustomed to hearing from him. Thor had burst into the house one afternoon, booming his congratulations and demanding they allow him to “bestow his “snuggles” upon the small babe.

  
“Snuggles?” Tony had repeated, not bothering to hide his amusement.

  
“Jane refers to the holding of a loved one as a snuggle. Is that not correct?”

  
“Don't worry, Big Guy.” Natasha had spoken quietly from her place on the couch, gazing lovely at the newborn tucked against her breast. “Snuggles is exactly right and he has plenty to go around.” Thor seemed pleased with answer and after grinning widely at her, he yanked Steve upright so he could hug him, spinning him around for good measure.

  
“Captain! It has been too long, my friend!” He clapped Steve on the back. “I missed you both dearly. It looks like you’ve been busy in your time away. We must find time for conversation and a drink. It would seem that I am...out of the loop, as Jane calls it.”

  
“We missed you too, Thor.” Steve returned the hug, but he didn’t look too happy about being lifted off of his feet. “We’ll find the time, Buddy. Don’t you worry.”

  
Something felt off. Steve couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but he knew that much. Natasha’s behavior seemed normal most days, but he could sense the change. Of course, he knew she’d been struggling with her own demons, whether she was pregnant or not. They both were, but they'd been so good about communicating and being open to one another that he honestly hadn’t expected there to be problems after James birth. Sure the birth had been….unconventional...and she’d been a little shocked (to say the least) afterwards, but as soon as they'd placed the baby in her arms, it was like she had been made to be his mother.  
She’d gotten up for every feeding, changed every diaper without complaint and if their boy was fussy, she was always immediately by his side trying to figure out the problem. It was an amazing thing to watch and it made his heart burst with pride. Natasha loved their son. He knew she did, but with each day that passed, he began to notice more and more that love seemed to be manifesting itself in different ways. He’d walked in on her more than once, listening to her whisper to James that she loved him and telling him that she was sorry.

  
_‘What is she sorry for?’_ He’d think _. ‘What did she do?’_

  
She thought he was asleep when he’d her ask their sleeping son questions that she knew he couldn’t answer.

  
“You know, don’t you?” She’d ask the baby. “That I’m no good at this. That you deserve so much more. So much better.” He could hear the tears in her voice. Steve didn’t know if he could stand it much longer.

  
So he’d left them one morning when he’d found them passed out and exhausted from the rough night before and met with Bruce. He’d told him everything that had happened, asking him if there was anyway for him to help her. Bruce had smiled, explaining to him that the first few weeks were rough for a new mother. Baby Blues, the scientist had said. Apparently after birth, hormones were running rampant.

  
“Does she know you’re here?” Had been the first thing Bruce asked.

  
“No…” Steve hesitated before telling him why. “I don’t want to make it worse, Bruce. I just want to help.”

  
“You’re really concerned, aren’t you?”

  
“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.” Steve quipped.

  
“Is she unable to care for him?” Bruce adjusted his glasses before continuing. “Ignoring his cries and things like that? Becoming frustrated with him?”

  
“No, no. None of that, actually. She’s so attentive and patient with him. She took to being his mom like she was born for it.” Steve chuckled quietly at the thought.

  
“Alright, well that's great news, Steve.”

  
“It is? Are you sure? I feel like if i could just talk to her...but she just gets _so_ upset.”

  
“For now, yes. You have to understand that she’s trying to adjust to this new little person in her life on top of all these new feelings of responsibility and love. It can be overwhelming and for 70-80% of women, it usually hits about four or five days after birth. And there are plenty of mood swings. A quick Google search would tell you what to look for.”

  
“Alright, I will.”

  
“Look on the bright side. These symptoms usually disappear after the first few weeks so I’m sure it will get better soon. If it doesn't though, don’t hesitate to say something. Please, don’t let her think she can beat it on her own. She’ll need support.”

  
He’d nodded an affirmative, a small part of him relieved. This wouldn’t last forever, he just had to wait it out. Natasha would be back to her old self eventually. At least he hoped she would.

  
***************

  
Steve never mentioned his conversation with Bruce. He didn’t want to worry or upset her. He had been sure things would get better.

  
He’d been wrong.

  
“I don’t know what else to do!” She cried.

~~~~~~~~

  
_James was screaming and Steve was at a loss. The baby was hungry, but Natasha hadn’t been able to pump for a few days now. The boy had done a number on her breasts, since he seemed to feed twice as much as an infant his age. Natasha’s body, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have any qualms with that since her breasts we constantly engorged. She had a nice, consistent schedule of feeding and pumping worked out for the last few months. Since James had reached his tenth week of life, he’d become ravenous and that had gone out the window. He was only quiet when he he had her breast or a bottle in his mouth. That had been fine until this morning, when her breasts had been to sore to pump or feed and they’d run out of frozen milk._

_  
“I know, Babe.”_

_  
“You don’t know, Steve.”_

__  
“Well,” He sighed. “I know it's hard for you and I can’t imagine how frustrated you are.”  
“Look at my chest!” She gestured to her bosom. “They’re going to explode! And my baby is hungry. And I-” She let out a sob, unable to continue.

 __  
“Love,” Steve screwed his eyes shut as James screeching grew louder. “It’s okay. Remember that nurse, Jody? She gave you that cream that was supposed to help for things like this. And I’m sure there are other things we could do. Why don’t we try and call her?”  
Natasha snorted into his shoulder, both irritated and relieved that the man had such a clear memory.

_“Okay…” She wiped her eyes. “But what about the baby? He needs to eat, Steve. Listen to him! I have to-”_

_  
“Well they did tell me about- I believe it was called supplementation.” Steve looked a bit deflated as he spoke. “When you were unconscious, they offered me formula for him. I said no because I wasn’t sure about the serum and everything. I was scared I guess. But now maybe-”_ _He stopped when he noticed she’d backed away from him, staring at him with wide eyes._

_“What’s wrong?” He asked.  
_

_“You...you want to give him formula?” She asked quietly.  
_

_“What? Not permanently. I was just thinking since you're having a hard time...what’s the problem?”  
_

_“I have-” She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I have one thing Steve.”  
_

_“What to do you-”_

_  
“One fucking thing.” James had finally passed out, exhausted from crying. That made her feel even worse._

_  
“Natasha,”_

_  
“One thing that I get to do for him. That no one else can do. I use my body to nurture him; to keep him alive. And you...you want to take that away from me?”_

_  
“Stop.”_

_  
“You want to give him some processed, pre-made shit!” She yelled._

_  
“Nat!”_

_  
“No! I’m not giving that to my son and you won't either!” Her face was flushed in anger as her voice became louder with every word. “That's what his mother is here for, Steve! What fucking good am I if I can’t even do that? Pain is nothing! I’ve dealt with more than this, I can do it!”_

_  
“Natasha!” Steve hadn’t meant to shout, but James had started crying again and she looked...well she looked like she was losing it. “Stop! You’re flipping out about nothing!” He tried to tell her, scooping up the baby and trying to shush him._

_  
“Give him to me.” She growled. She just wanted to quiet him; to feed him and comfort him. But her breathing had grown erratic and she was close to tears for some reason._

_  
“No.” Steve stood his ground, his hold on the baby remaining firm._

_  
“Steve! Give him to me!” Natasha felt exposed and ashamed. She knew she was making a big deal for no reason and that her yelling was upsetting the baby. Fuck, what was happening to her?_

__  
“Natasha.” Steve had evidently had enough. He reached out and grabbed her shoulder and squeezed. She hadn’t even tried to dodge him. He spoke with a low, commanding tone.  
“Look at me. Look at my face.” He commanded. She did as he said. “You need to calm down. Breath. Right now. If you can’t, I’m going to call someone. We are not going to fight over our baby. If you don’t want to give him formula, we won’t. I’ll never let a drop pass his lips. But you need to stop, now.”

_  
She kept looking at him, her shoulders rising and falling with each shuddered breath. He was right. He was right. She needed to stop. She was upsetting their son. She needed to breath._

_  
“You don’t trust me with our son.” He stated suddenly. “I’d do anything for him. I’d do anything for you. I love you both so much. Why don’t you trust me?”_

_  
Her eyes fell to the floor. She couldn’t look at either of them anymore._

_  
“I’m crazy. I know it. That has to be it” She mumbled. “I can’t keep apologizing to you both. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not me anymore. I don't know-” The hand on her shoulder moved around her back to back to bring her closer._

_  
“You’re not crazy, Nat. You’re not.” He kissed her forehead. “But you are different.” She looked up at him. “You had a baby. You’re a mother now. The love and responsibility that come with that can be overwhelming. It's okay to be scared. Just...don’t shut me out. I can’t help you if you shut me out.”_

_  
“I won't.” She said, as he led them all to the bed. He laid their son in between them and watched as she opened her shirt and began to nurse. Natasha winced, but smiled at Steve._

_  
“I don’t think I’ll ever get over how tiny and amazing he is.” He whispered, running his thumb along the bottom of James’ little foot._

  
 *****************

  
Then the crying started.

  
They didn’t know what to do. James would cry non-stop all night and all morning until he passed out from noon to five. He would fuss no matter what they did. Whether they fed him, bathed him or coddled him, didn't matter. Anything that used bring him comfort no longer worked. Steve was the patient one, talking himself through it and encouraging Natasha that she wasn’t doing anything wrong.

  
At first, she managed to keep a level head. When Steve suggested taking him in for an appointment, she insisted that it wasn’t necessary. She assured him things like this happen; growth spurts and all that. By the second week, though, she was a wreck. Her confidence had fled and felt broken, devastated that she couldn’t do anything to help her baby. It all finally came to a head one day.

  
~~~~~~~~

  
_Steve had been gone all morning, leaving for a job and some sparring with Sam and Clint and had yet to return. He’d asked her three times if she was sure about letting him go. He'd promised her that he’d stay if it was too much for her. Natasha had said it would be fine;the baby had a rough night so he’d probably sleep the entire time. Steve had reluctantly headed out the door, having know idea how much he was going to wish he’d listened to his instincts._

_  
James wouldn’t stop screaming, his little face scrunched up and red; his feet kicking the air widely. It had been two hours and the small child had barely even stopped to breathe. His shrill screams echoed throughout the apartment and she buried her head in her pillow, hoping to stifle the noise. She tried to ignore it. What else could she do? She’d tried everything and he’d wanted nothing._

_  
‘_ You'll never be enough for him’

_  
The thoughts always came before she could stop them._

_  
‘_ You don’t deserve him.’

 _  
‘_ He’s crying because of you’

_  
“Shut up.” She said to the room. Her thoughts, his crying, it was all too much. “Shut up.” She was looking at James now. “Shut up. SHUT UP!”_

_  
Of course he kept screaming. He didn’t know better. She knew that. Still._

_  
“Just be quiet! I’m sorry! I can’t help you!” She shouted. She pulled at her hair and she dropped to the ground, sobbing and defeated. A shuffling noise immediately brings her out of her meltdown and she goes still, almost afraid to look and see who’s in the room with them. Her protectiveness wins out and she lifts her head to find Steve standing in the doorway. He looks heart broken, but he doesn't look angry._

_  
Mortified, she leapt up and ran to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. He was silent for a moment, reminding himself that he’d need to handle James before anything else. He picked up James and placed him on his shoulder, humming a nursery rhyme his mother used to sing to him. The boy is obviously exhausted and Steve can tell as much. The crying turns to soft whimpers as the soft vibration from his father’s deep voice soothed him._

_  
“It’ll be okay, honey. We’ll get it sorted out.” He said quietly. He warmed up some milk before sending a message to Clint asking if he could take the baby for a while. Not a minute later, there was a knock at the door. This was why he’d asked Clint. The man always seemed to be close by._

_  
“What wrong?” Clint asked immediately. “Where’s Nat?”_

_  
“She’s in the bathroom. Everything’s fine, I just need you to take him please.” Steve held out the bottle. “We’ll talk later.”_

__  
“Yeah, we better.” Clint eyed him, but eagerly took the baby and set off down the hall.  
Steve sighed before making his way over and crouching outside the bathroom door. He knew Natasha was on the other side, sitting on the floor. She had always done this, shut herself away when she didn't want to face something. Except before, she would just disappear entirely. He was grateful she settled for just leaving the room.

_  
“Natasha,” He said gently._

_  
“Go away.”_

_  
“You know I’m not going anywhere.”_

_  
“You should. You and James both.”_

_  
“You’d follow us anyway.”_

_  
She was quiet for a moment. “You wouldn’t know it if I did.”_

_  
He had to chuckle at how true that statement was. “Come out.”_

_  
*Silence*_

_  
“It's okay, Babe. You didn’t hurt anyone. You're okay.”_

_  
“It’s not okay! What kind of mother talks to their baby like that, Steve?”_

_  
“A frustrated one. One who’s been trying their best to placate a colicky baby and who’s been through alot in their life as it is. You’re not alone. I’m frustrated too, Nat. We’re doing everything we can, but...sometimes these things are just out of our control.”_

_  
*More silence*_

_  
“We’ll make an appointment with Bruce and get to the bottom of this. Then we can honestly say, we’ve exhausted every option, okay? (Well that wasn't entirely true, but he didn't want to try his luck with suggesting something like therapy) You’ve got to stop blaming yourself like this, Nat. Now, lemme in before I break the door knob.”_

_  
“Pepper will kill you if you do.” She sniffled from the other side._

_  
“Then I guess you better open it.” He heard the soft click of the lock on the door and opened it. She was still on the floor, wearing his shirt and her sweatpants, her hair a greasy mess. Steve smiled and shook his head as he lifted her so she was standing. He brushed her hair from her face and kissed her softly._

_  
“Why don’t you hate me?” She asked him._

_  
“I could never hate you.” He gave her a thoughtful look. “But...when was the last time you showered?”_

_  
She snorted “Never let it be said that you aren’t a true romantic, Rogers.”. He smirked, stepping back and turning on the shower. She let him remove her pants and shirt, followed by her panties and her bra. He placed a hand on the small of her back and urged her into the shower, but not before he took in her naked figure._

_  
Stripping and following her in, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been able to view her like this. Being pregnant had definitely changed her body, but she’d hear no complaints from him. Her stomach had gone back to being flat, not the well toned abs she had before, but it was flat and smooth nonetheless. Her hips were a bit wider, making her hourglass figure even more pronounced._

_  
‘Stop it, Rogers.’ He felt a bit of shame at his thoughts. He was in here for comfort, not ravish her._

_  
But then she turned around._

_  
And he almost dropped the loofa he’d been using to scrub her back._

_  
“Shit.” He accidentally said aloud. Unfortunately for his intentions, this was the first time he’d been able to look at her breasts so openly since she’d had James. They’d gotten bigger when she was pregnant and that had been lovely (sooo lovely), but right now they looked probably twice that size. His eyes followed the blue veins all the way to her nipples, which were...dripping?_

_  
And damned if it wasn’t the sexiest thing he’d seen yet._

__  
‘Jesus’ he thought. ‘I’m going to hell.’ Her soaking wet body didn’t help things either.  
She turned around, noticing that he’d stopped moving. She followed his gaze and looked down at her chest.

_  
“Damn. Sorry. Must be time for James to eat. Who has him?” He heard the worry in her voice and he smiled to reassure her._

_  
“Clint.” He answered. He’d yet to bring his eyes up to her actual face though._

_  
“Oh okay…” She visibly relaxed at that. “Do you…see something you like, Soldier?” He looked up instantly._

_  
“How- how are you feeling?” He asked, ignoring her question._

_  
“What? How do you mean?” She last thing she felt like talking about was feelings._

_  
“Like...after having James and everything. Are you still sore at all? Do you feel okay?” Oh. Seriously? She almost laughed out loud but thought better._

_  
“I’m fine, Rogers.”_

_  
“Thats- thats good. Because um...I’d like to refresh your memory on how romantic I can be.” She stared at him for a moment. Sex hadn’t really been on her mind since the baby was born, but damn it sounded tempting. She was so wound up and tense all the time; constantly wondering if she was making the right decision or feeling terrible about...well really anything she could manage to make herself feel guilty over. Her mind was tired and she needed it to rest._

_  
‘This could be good. This could be helpful.” She thought._

_  
“If you're not up to it, I completely understand. I don’t want to make you feel any-”_

_  
‘This could be good. Maybe this could help.' She thought._

_“If you're not up to it, I completely understand. I don’t want to make you feel any-”_

_“Just kiss me already.” Steve surged forward, barely allowing her to finish her sentence and crashing his lips against hers like his life depended on it. She was tense for a moment, suddenly remembering that this would be the first time anything has "been in" since a certain someone "came out", but that thought faded as soon as his teeth sunk into her neck. She was suddenly without air as all the the tension left her slowly and soon as he noticed she was visibly relaxed, he brings her even closer, backing her into the corner, bringing a hand up to caress her face._

_“You’re so beautiful. You have no idea what you do to me.” His breath was hot against her lips as he spoke. She was uncharacteristically quiet, shutting her eyes and letting out a shuddered breath in lieu of an actual response._

_“You’re amazing.” Natasha didn’t feel like she was amazing at all, but that didn’t matter. Her current view certainly was. She was completely surrounded by him; his rippling muscles; his dark wet hair sticking to his forehead; his devastatingly handsome face. Damn, it had been a long time. Even longer since she’d had full used of her body and strength._

_The shower itself wasn’t very large and maybe not the best (or safest) place for that kind of thing, but she’s tiny and they're both pretty flexible so they were confident that they could make it work just fine. She whimpered in protest as he pulled away from their last searing kiss and turned her around. She heard a few noises behind her before his hands came to wrap around her and started washing her body. She knew it was meant to be more passionate than anything, but his hands were trembling on her skin and she wasn’t sure how long she’d last playing this game of theirs._

_“Whoa there Soldier.” She teased before she wriggled away. “I haven’t even conditioned my hair yet.” God, it always amazed her how she could lose herself in him. Steve smiled and stepped back with his hands in the air. Everything seemed so normal in that moment. For the first time in a long time, he felt a bit of relief._

_But he was also so turned on, there was no way he could keep his hands to himself._

_As he watched her rinse her hair, soap and water cascading down her body, he couldn’t take it anymore. He came back, surrounding her and pushing her up against the wall, looking into her eyes. She was too busy looking at his lips and groaned as he ran his fingers gently down her arm until their hands were intertwined. He pinned their joined hands above her head while palming and squeezing her breast mercilessly with the other._

_“Steve…” she whispered. He sighed, dropping her hand. He’s clearly overwhelmed, his chest heaving as he forced himself to breath. He's surrounded her completely and he’s closed in, running his hands all over her body as he gently lifts her up. Natasha tenses before he slides himself inside her, but her fears are quickly ebbed away when he's filled her up entirely. There was pain, of course. He was very well endowed.  
But..._

_God she'd fucking missed this._

_He's going at an agonizingly slow pace, but it goes deeper and deeper every time and she can't help it when she cums suddenly._

_Steve isn't anywhere near being close. His cheeks are flushed; he's worked up from seeing her come undone. His mouth is all over her chest and neck, heavy breaths escaping with each thrust._

_  
They didn't exactly have a track record to engage in anything but rough and frantic sex, but when the mood called for it, like now, he was slow and tender with her. He kept his touches light and gentle as he focused on her pleasure first and foremost._

_  
And from her arched back to her buckling knees and the gasping and moaning she couldn't hold back, he could tell she’d needed this. She needed him. And he was happy to oblige. Her skin was glistening from the steam and he couldn’t get enough of her taste on his tongue. His mouth was all over her, biting her shoulders and teasing her breasts as he rocked into her._

_  
“Talk to me.” Steve breathed against her lips, closing his eyes. “Tell me you love how I tear you apart.” Natasha’s chest rose faster with every loud pant escaping her lips._

_  
“You...I…” Her moans turned to gasps and she pulled him close as if she was going to kiss him, but stopped just as her lips brushed against his. “You...I love the...the way you...love me.” She choked on every word before she went still, dissolving into pleasure._

_  
“I do...I love you. I love you. I lo-” Steve pulled her to him so that their chests were pressed against each other and his body jerked every time he pulsed inside her. They stood there breathless and huddled together in the corner of the shower; hearts pounding, blood roaring in their ears._

_  
Steve had never had sex that way before. He felt drunk and hazy. He didn’t trust his body for a moment and kept her pressed tightly in his arms in fear of dropping her all together. Natasha didn’t say anything, just struggled underneath him to catch her breath. It was as if she burst at the seems, she felt such euphoria. He lifted her chin and kissed her softly as he looked into her eyes._

_  
She stared at him for a moment before kissing him hard, tugging on his lower lip when he tried to pull away for air. Steve growled, his hold on her tightening as he grinded against her._

_  
“Another?” He murmured._

_  
“I’ll kill you if you stop now.” She purred._

_  
They made love that way twice before hearing a knock at the bathroom door. Natasha, feeling lighter than she had in weeks, kissed her lover before quickly hopping out of the shower and throwing on a towel. She opened the door to find an her best friend grinning at her like an idiot._

_  
“Overwhelmed already, Daddy-of-three?” She raised an eyebrow._

_  
“Of course not. I like spending time with the little guy. Makes it a little easier to be away from my own.” He looked sad for a minute before smiling again. “But it would seem that your son here exploded in his diaper and I just feel like I’ve done my time and would rather not brave those waters. Also, he won’t burp for some reason. Maybe h- Aww, baby, noooo.”_

_  
Clint was suddenly covered in foul-smelling, curdled milk. James was lifting his head and looking around, obviously feeling much better than he had a second ago._

_  
Natasha laughed harder than she had in months._

_  
~~~~~~_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
They would find a way to help their son and he would find a way to make sure she got through all of this.

  
Steve was always a man of his word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up:  
> Natasha getting worse, will Steve put his foot down?  
> A trip to Asgard!  
> And then....shit might hit the fan again :-/
> 
> Also you have probably noticed that I've read the new Hawkeye comics. He's so freaking awesome and honestly it bums me out that they slapped a couple of kids on him and made him this old married dude. He kicks ass and deserved to kick way more of it in the movies! And I wish wish WISH they had included his disability too! Ah well. That's why we have fanfiction, right?
> 
> Until next time!


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